1 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:10,490 - We are downstairs 2 00:00:10,491 --> 00:00:12,137 in the Dante's green room 3 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:13,847 in Portland, Oregon, shortly 4 00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,432 before we start taping 5 00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:16,808 the new special, 6 00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:18,059 beer hall putsch. 7 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:19,185 - What's a putsch? 8 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,103 - Beer hall putsch. 9 00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:21,605 - What's that? 10 00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:23,524 - It was Hitler's - early failed attempt 11 00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:24,921 At overthrowing 12 00:00:24,922 --> 00:00:26,193 the German government in '24, 13 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:27,736 where he'd work everyone up 14 00:00:27,737 --> 00:00:29,154 into a lather in the beer hall 15 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,531 with 1,500 people screaming 16 00:00:30,532 --> 00:00:31,782 about the government. 17 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,179 He got them all to race out 18 00:00:33,180 --> 00:00:34,451 into the streets and, 19 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:36,137 - "we're going to take - this shit over." 20 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,597 - And then a few people got - killed, 21 00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:38,789 - So he ran - like a pussy. 22 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,019 Because this is, 23 00:00:40,020 --> 00:00:41,124 like, ground zero 24 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:42,397 of when we branched out 25 00:00:42,398 --> 00:00:43,544 to do our own thing, 26 00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:45,170 and it's really cool-looking. 27 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,463 We can't really play here 28 00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,631 because we have 29 00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:48,966 too big of a draw. 30 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,652 - So it's nice to be able - to film here. 31 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,344 - It's dark. - It's creepy. 32 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,054 It has a history with us. 33 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,848 - It's just... - It has a good feel. 34 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:57,474 - And I fucking hate - doing theaters. 35 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,038 I wish all comedy specials 36 00:00:59,039 --> 00:01:00,477 were filmed in fucking 37 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:01,812 75-seaters, 38 00:01:01,813 --> 00:01:03,022 like old Lenny Bruce. 39 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:05,482 Smoky room, low ceiling. 40 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,984 This one's not real low ceiling, 41 00:01:06,985 --> 00:01:08,360 but it's got the feel. 42 00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:09,987 Let's go drink. 43 00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:12,781 Some people say, "yeah. 44 00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,200 I don't have to drink 45 00:01:14,201 --> 00:01:15,492 to have a good time." 46 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:17,036 You go, "okay." 47 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,455 But that means you 48 00:01:19,456 --> 00:01:21,749 have to have a good time 49 00:01:21,874 --> 00:01:23,959 to have a good time. 50 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:27,170 How do you pull that off? 51 00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:29,110 Just assume the universe knows 52 00:01:29,111 --> 00:01:30,925 it's your Friday 53 00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:33,281 so some organic good time 54 00:01:33,282 --> 00:01:35,512 will swell out of the woodwork 55 00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,181 and appear 56 00:01:37,182 --> 00:01:38,724 at a certain time. 57 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,914 You read the weekly and find 58 00:01:40,915 --> 00:01:42,978 the editor's best bet 59 00:01:43,102 --> 00:01:44,980 and you email all your dumb 60 00:01:44,981 --> 00:01:46,857 friends in their cubicles, 61 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:48,400 "let's meet up. 62 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,714 "We found a local eatery 63 00:01:49,715 --> 00:01:50,903 that's well reviewed. 64 00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:52,405 "It has vegan options 65 00:01:52,406 --> 00:01:53,781 for Sheila. 66 00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:56,700 We'll meet there at 7:40." 67 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:57,993 "Where is Sheila? 68 00:01:57,994 --> 00:01:59,160 She's late. 69 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,788 "Our sober good time 70 00:02:00,789 --> 00:02:02,289 starts in 40 minutes. 71 00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:03,645 "Call her 72 00:02:03,646 --> 00:02:04,875 on her cell phone. 73 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,835 - Maybe we can - order for her 74 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,271 - "because we don't want - to be late 75 00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,213 - For our sober good time. - It starts in..." 76 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:11,840 Maybe you came here tonight 77 00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:13,341 to have a good time 78 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,969 without drinking. 79 00:02:15,094 --> 00:02:17,200 That means you're solely 80 00:02:17,201 --> 00:02:19,306 reliant on me being funny, 81 00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:21,058 which is a 50/50 shot 82 00:02:21,059 --> 00:02:22,684 at best 83 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,124 in these waning years 84 00:02:24,125 --> 00:02:25,437 of my career. 85 00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:28,482 If I suck, you're fucked. 86 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:30,400 All that sober good-time 87 00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:32,193 planning and the mapquesting 88 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,904 and the finding the parking. 89 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,781 - And then I just... - I was off. 90 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,825 - I was too fucked up - that night, and i... 91 00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:39,701 Now the blame's on you. 92 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,662 I don't take those chances. 93 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:43,560 I drink to have a good time. 94 00:02:43,561 --> 00:02:45,332 It's a failsafe. 95 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,772 I take whatever mundane shit 96 00:02:47,773 --> 00:02:50,087 I was doing anyway, 97 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:52,318 and I just start pouring booze 98 00:02:52,319 --> 00:02:54,424 on top of it. 99 00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:56,009 And within a short amount 100 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,469 of time, it's fantastic. 101 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,784 I'm talking to some shingle 102 00:02:59,785 --> 00:03:01,974 salesman in an airport bar, 103 00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:03,225 and he's showing me pictures 104 00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,351 of his dogs 105 00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:06,520 on his cell phone camera. 106 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:08,063 "And that's miss patsy 107 00:03:08,064 --> 00:03:09,481 and this is patriot. 108 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:11,129 I call him patriot because 109 00:03:11,130 --> 00:03:12,651 I got him at 9/11 and..." 110 00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:14,528 Within five drinks, 111 00:03:14,529 --> 00:03:16,279 that guy's hilarious to me. 112 00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:17,781 I'm hugging that guy 113 00:03:17,782 --> 00:03:19,158 on the way to his gate. 114 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,076 I'm swapping phone numbers. 115 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,786 I have a problem? 116 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,476 No, lady. 117 00:03:24,477 --> 00:03:26,040 I have a solution. 118 00:03:26,165 --> 00:03:28,207 You have a problem... 119 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:33,088 With your sober good time. 120 00:03:33,212 --> 00:03:34,255 I'll feel like shit 121 00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,298 in the morning, 122 00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,134 but I'll know exactly why... 123 00:03:37,135 --> 00:03:38,844 Because I got hammered. 124 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,283 You wake up, you feel like shit, 125 00:03:40,284 --> 00:03:41,596 you worry. 126 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,911 "Did I forget 127 00:03:42,912 --> 00:03:44,099 to take my omega-3s? 128 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,684 "My glands are swollen. 129 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,248 "Did I touch a toilet handle 130 00:03:47,249 --> 00:03:48,687 without sanitizing? 131 00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:51,899 I'm not sure exactly." 132 00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:53,464 - Well, you should have - been drunk. 133 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,860 And you just... you wake up 134 00:03:54,861 --> 00:03:56,153 and go, "fuck. 135 00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:58,509 It'll go away 136 00:03:58,510 --> 00:04:00,741 by the afternoon." 137 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,096 I did stop drinking 138 00:04:02,097 --> 00:04:03,326 Jagermeister 139 00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,746 as though it were some, like, 140 00:04:05,747 --> 00:04:08,040 miraculous life choice. 141 00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:09,979 I bragged to people when I 142 00:04:09,980 --> 00:04:11,793 stopped drinking Jagermeister, 143 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,984 like I'm doing bikram yoga now 144 00:04:13,985 --> 00:04:16,048 and eating tofu. 145 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,841 - I'm still hammered - all the time, 146 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,322 But it's not jager, 147 00:04:19,323 --> 00:04:20,677 which is just a shitty drink. 148 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,220 At some point, I saw a clip 149 00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:23,638 of myself on stage 150 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,640 - yelling at the bar, - drunk, 151 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,934 "hey, can I get a shot of 152 00:04:26,935 --> 00:04:28,102 Jagermeister?" 153 00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:29,436 But I could see me. 154 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,105 - Like, in my head, - I'm young. 155 00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,627 But then I saw 156 00:04:32,628 --> 00:04:34,024 I'm just an old fucking dude. 157 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,651 And just the word Jagermeister 158 00:04:35,652 --> 00:04:37,152 coming out of your mouth 159 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,071 is some desperate cry 160 00:04:39,072 --> 00:04:40,864 to be young again. 161 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,387 And it's like the old guy's 162 00:04:42,388 --> 00:04:43,784 a silver-haired fox, 163 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:45,827 - but he still has - two hoop earrings. 164 00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,233 - And he's like, - "hey, ladies." 165 00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:49,123 - Don't be - that fucking dude. 166 00:04:49,248 --> 00:04:51,166 Just drink something clear. 167 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,210 'Cause... 168 00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,066 Jake lamotta, the fighter, 169 00:04:55,067 --> 00:04:56,797 is a neighbor of ours 170 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,257 in bisbee, Arizona. 171 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,883 He lives two blocks down. 172 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,051 If you don't know 173 00:05:01,052 --> 00:05:02,094 Jake lamotta, 174 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,429 he was a fighter, 175 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,806 a legendary fighter. 176 00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:06,931 The movie raging bull. 177 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,642 Yes. No? Yeah? 178 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,185 Robert deniro. 179 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,814 For you 22-year-olds, 180 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:16,357 let me explain. 181 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,298 Robert deniro used to be 182 00:05:18,299 --> 00:05:20,112 an actor 183 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,656 in the moving pictures. 184 00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,158 Yeah. 185 00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:25,659 One of his greatest roles 186 00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:27,035 was that 187 00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,204 playing Jake lamotta 188 00:05:28,205 --> 00:05:29,246 in raging bull. 189 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:31,039 - It was a real guy - that's our neighbor. 190 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:33,000 - And we never met him till, - last year, 191 00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:34,793 A mutual friend brought him 192 00:05:34,794 --> 00:05:36,461 to the house to watch football. 193 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,337 And we're wicked excited. 194 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,652 Like, fucking Jake lamotta 's 195 00:05:39,653 --> 00:05:40,841 coming here. 196 00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,259 And they brought him over. 197 00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:44,761 He's like 91. 198 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,534 There's no Jake lamotta 199 00:05:46,535 --> 00:05:48,182 left of the Jake lamotta. 200 00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,267 - So we're all, - like, happy. 201 00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,248 And they bring him in, 202 00:05:52,249 --> 00:05:54,104 and we're like, "" 203 00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:55,897 like, for a boxer, 204 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,816 my age they're fucked up, 205 00:05:57,817 --> 00:05:59,609 and he's twice that. 206 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:00,986 So they bring him in. 207 00:06:00,987 --> 00:06:02,237 He's fucking up... 208 00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:03,988 They have him by one elbow, 209 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:05,615 91 years old. 210 00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,203 And they plop it on the couch 211 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,997 like an eggplant. 212 00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:13,144 And we're like, 213 00:06:13,145 --> 00:06:14,166 "Jake lamotta 's here." 214 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,295 And he's got a trophy wife 215 00:06:18,296 --> 00:06:20,463 who's 30 years his junior, 216 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:21,861 which means she's still 217 00:06:21,862 --> 00:06:23,133 in her 60s, so... 218 00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,739 The trophy is a bit tarnished 219 00:06:24,740 --> 00:06:26,220 at this point. 220 00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:27,659 It's no Stanley cup 221 00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:28,972 anymore. 222 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,515 It's more 223 00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:31,933 of a bowling trophy. 224 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,643 - And she's - a very sweet woman. 225 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:36,146 - She has all the characteristics - of trophy wife. 226 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,148 - She has - bleached blonde hair, 227 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,545 And the 60-year-old 228 00:06:39,546 --> 00:06:40,817 tit job is forced up 229 00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,152 so the good parts 230 00:06:42,153 --> 00:06:43,362 are showing through the top. 231 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:44,529 And you go... okay. 232 00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:45,572 And she's very sweet. 233 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:46,698 And she's trying 234 00:06:46,699 --> 00:06:47,699 to distract from... 235 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:48,930 Jake lamotta 236 00:06:48,931 --> 00:06:50,035 doesn't know where he is. 237 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,266 He doesn't know 238 00:06:51,267 --> 00:06:52,371 he's watching football. 239 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,164 He's confused on the couch. 240 00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:58,022 The only time he showed 241 00:06:58,023 --> 00:06:59,586 any cognitive recognition 242 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,046 of his surroundings... 243 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,006 - I saw him scrambling - with his cigarettes 244 00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:04,299 And fumbling and looking 245 00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:05,466 to the door like, 246 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:06,656 "who will walk me out 247 00:07:06,657 --> 00:07:07,719 so I can smoke?" 248 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,846 And I said, "it's okay, Jake. 249 00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,848 You can smoke in the house." 250 00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:16,895 And he went, 251 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,980 - that's how fucking deep - cigarettes get you. 252 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,482 Nothing else. 253 00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:21,858 He said, "" 254 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:23,110 then straight back 255 00:07:23,111 --> 00:07:24,236 to confusion. 256 00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:28,782 So his wife is very sweet. 257 00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,533 - And she's talking to me - and bingo. 258 00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:32,345 - "I can't believe we've lived - here so long, 259 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:34,121 - And we've never met. - And it's so nice." 260 00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:35,914 And at some point, she says, 261 00:07:35,915 --> 00:07:37,582 "you know, Jake and I 262 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,667 - "are doing a play - on Saturday night 263 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,024 "at the central 264 00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,254 school in old bisbee. 265 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,131 "We'd love it if you'd come. 266 00:07:44,256 --> 00:07:45,820 I wrote it myself," 267 00:07:45,821 --> 00:07:47,384 she says. 268 00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:49,135 Really? 269 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,762 All by your little lonely? 270 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,326 That fucking half-cadaver 271 00:07:52,327 --> 00:07:53,765 on my couch 272 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,434 didn't chime in 273 00:07:55,435 --> 00:07:56,977 with some of his great ideas 274 00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,478 of how the script 275 00:07:58,479 --> 00:07:59,854 should be written 276 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,358 for the arc of the story? 277 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,881 And normally you would 278 00:08:04,882 --> 00:08:06,278 have to stun gun me, 279 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,738 cattle prod me 280 00:08:07,739 --> 00:08:09,072 to get me into a play. 281 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,304 I'm not interested... until 282 00:08:11,305 --> 00:08:13,410 I spend an hour and a half 283 00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:14,682 with Jake lamotta 284 00:08:14,683 --> 00:08:15,829 at my house. 285 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,372 That's gonna be 286 00:08:17,373 --> 00:08:18,790 live on stage? 287 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,646 I'm not missing this 288 00:08:20,647 --> 00:08:22,377 for the world. 289 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,795 And we went, 290 00:08:23,796 --> 00:08:25,088 and it lived up 291 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,132 to every awful 292 00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:29,050 expectation that we had. 293 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,470 It was so tragic. 294 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,180 She wrote it herself. 295 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:35,057 It's called 296 00:08:35,058 --> 00:08:36,808 lady and the champ. 297 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,354 And she wrote it, so thank god 298 00:08:40,355 --> 00:08:42,022 it's mostly her. 299 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,898 - And she has - an acoustic guitar, 300 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,213 So she'll tell some stories 301 00:08:45,214 --> 00:08:46,401 and anecdotes 302 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,508 and then sing some show tune 303 00:08:48,509 --> 00:08:50,489 kind of things. 304 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,594 ♪ In the corner stands a boxer 305 00:08:52,595 --> 00:08:54,575 and a fighter by his ♪ 306 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,244 - And you're like, - "god." 307 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:57,392 And then they plop 308 00:08:57,393 --> 00:08:58,413 the champ out 309 00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,706 on the other side 310 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:00,874 of the stage in a chair. 311 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,209 And they sit him down. 312 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,960 - He still has no idea - where he is. 313 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,545 He still thinks he's watching 314 00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:07,005 football at my house. 315 00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,593 And his only job 316 00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:13,428 is to pepper the script 317 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,159 with some one-liners 318 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,764 and some shadow boxing. 319 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,122 So occasionally, 320 00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,353 he stands up," 321 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,563 "I fought sugar ray 322 00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,648 so many times, 323 00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:28,235 I got diabetes." 324 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,303 Which is not a bad line for 325 00:09:34,304 --> 00:09:36,617 a fucking 91-year-old boxer, 326 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,412 except the champ forgets 327 00:09:38,413 --> 00:09:40,080 he already did the line. 328 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,415 So moments later, he stands 329 00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,625 back up, "I fought..." 330 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,816 in the middle of a song, 331 00:09:46,817 --> 00:09:48,880 "I fought sugar ray." 332 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,424 And they have to come out. 333 00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:51,591 They can't stage whisper 334 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:52,633 to him 335 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,386 - because he's deaf - as a stump. 336 00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:55,867 So they physically 337 00:09:55,868 --> 00:09:57,222 have to come out 338 00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,370 and push him back down 339 00:09:59,371 --> 00:10:01,393 in his chair and yell at him, 340 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,603 "not yet, champ! 341 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,230 "Wait till the end of the 342 00:10:05,231 --> 00:10:06,731 number, and then you do the... 343 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,400 - Okay? - All right." 344 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,172 And we're in the back 345 00:10:10,173 --> 00:10:11,819 of the room fucking dying. 346 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,155 Like it's quiet, we're 347 00:10:13,156 --> 00:10:14,364 having to bite our hands 348 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:15,991 like children in church 349 00:10:15,992 --> 00:10:17,492 trying not to giggle. 350 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:21,225 And... it was like seeing 351 00:10:21,226 --> 00:10:24,832 if Mr. Schiavo 352 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:27,294 brought Terri schiavo 353 00:10:27,295 --> 00:10:29,629 on the road 354 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:32,924 as a song and dance act. 355 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,363 ♪ Hello, my honey, 356 00:10:34,364 --> 00:10:35,676 hello, my baby ♪ 357 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,637 ♪ hello, my ragtime ♪ 358 00:10:44,603 --> 00:10:46,354 - "Thank you! - Terri and I will be 359 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,648 "selling merchandise 360 00:10:47,649 --> 00:10:48,815 after the show. 361 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,755 "Terri will lick your t-shirts 362 00:10:50,756 --> 00:10:52,569 for you to personalize them 363 00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:53,778 "as a little souvenir 364 00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:54,862 of the great time 365 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:58,283 we had tonight here." 366 00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,515 And as much as I'm enjoying it 367 00:11:00,516 --> 00:11:02,621 for all the worst reasons, 368 00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:04,059 there's part of my head 369 00:11:04,060 --> 00:11:05,373 going, "all right. 370 00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,084 How long 371 00:11:07,085 --> 00:11:08,668 before that's you?" 372 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,108 How many... I've been doing 373 00:11:11,109 --> 00:11:13,423 this shit 23 years. 374 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:14,882 How long? 375 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,968 - I've taken a lot of shots - to the head, 376 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,677 Just like the champ. 377 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,805 How long before that final 378 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:22,807 synapse in my brain burns out 379 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:23,996 that would have told me, 380 00:11:23,997 --> 00:11:25,059 "don't do this anymore. 381 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,020 You're embarrassing yourself 382 00:11:27,021 --> 00:11:28,855 thoroughly." 383 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,857 - But I have my trophy wife, - bingo. 384 00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,502 - She doesn't want - to get a real job, 385 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:34,132 So she's just shoving me 386 00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:35,654 out on the stage. 387 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:36,946 "Go get 'em, champ." 388 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,788 "Jagermeister! 389 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,171 Maybe it already happened. 390 00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:54,297 I don't know. 391 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,486 Maybe I'm... maybe this 392 00:11:55,487 --> 00:11:56,550 is being filmed to... 393 00:11:56,675 --> 00:12:00,845 "don't do this anymore." 394 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,681 - I live every day - of my life 395 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:03,890 Like it's my last day 396 00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:04,974 on earth, kids. 397 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,851 - And I really... - Don't clap. 398 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,645 You don't know how I live. 399 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,087 That makes it even more sad 400 00:12:13,088 --> 00:12:15,068 and pathetic 401 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:17,216 that I would willingly choose 402 00:12:17,217 --> 00:12:19,239 to spend any given last day 403 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,949 on earth immobilized 404 00:12:20,950 --> 00:12:22,534 on a couch, 405 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,536 sweating, watching a marathon 406 00:12:24,537 --> 00:12:26,413 of storage wars, 407 00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:27,643 completely content 408 00:12:27,644 --> 00:12:28,747 with that. 409 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,725 - Friends going, "come on. - Let's do something, man. 410 00:12:30,749 --> 00:12:32,144 - "Let's go out. - I came all the way down. 411 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:33,587 Let's go live life." 412 00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,526 You're like, "fuck you. 413 00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:37,340 I ain't getting up. 414 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:38,800 "I've had to piss for 415 00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,134 the last four episodes. 416 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,929 "My prostate is welded shut 417 00:12:41,930 --> 00:12:43,597 like a lug nut. 418 00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:45,599 "And I don't give a shit. 419 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,475 I'm not getting up. 420 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,666 "I got to find out 421 00:12:49,667 --> 00:12:51,730 what's in that safe. 422 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,752 "Very important to find out 423 00:12:53,753 --> 00:12:55,650 after the commercial break 424 00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:57,797 what could possibly be 425 00:12:57,798 --> 00:12:59,820 in that safe." 426 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,093 You guys all have interests 427 00:13:01,094 --> 00:13:02,240 and you do shit. 428 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:03,512 And I don't. 429 00:13:03,513 --> 00:13:04,659 Yeah. 430 00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:06,327 Try doing nothing 431 00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:07,870 as long as me. 432 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,310 I have "house arrest" 433 00:13:09,311 --> 00:13:10,624 on my bucket list 434 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,459 just so I have an excuse for why 435 00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:14,168 I can't go do the dumb shit 436 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,170 - you like - that I don't understand. 437 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,256 - "I'm sorry. - I'd love to see your friend 438 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,466 "play the flamenco guitar, 439 00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:20,550 but I got the anklet. 440 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,427 Sorry." 441 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,804 Go right back to watching 442 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:27,056 fucking hoarders. 443 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,516 I watch hoarders. 444 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:31,978 I see shit I need. 445 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,063 I do. 446 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,348 - Like they brought the yard sale - into my living room 447 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:37,525 And I just poke around. 448 00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:38,931 - I'm not following - the dialog. 449 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:40,386 - I'm just looking - at their shit. 450 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,363 - "Bingo, they have an orange - microwave. 451 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,365 - "Rewind it. - Pause. 452 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,659 "That's an orange mic... 453 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:47,702 - "how do you get an orange - microwave? 454 00:13:47,826 --> 00:13:49,579 - "Underneath the stack - of the newspapers 455 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:50,830 "and the mummified cat 456 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:51,956 is an orange microwave. 457 00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,541 "Find it on Amazon. 458 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:55,732 That might fill the void 459 00:13:55,733 --> 00:13:57,796 in my soul. Orange." 460 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,422 Because that's... i don't even 461 00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:00,923 drunk dial people anymore 462 00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,509 - because I have - nothing to say. 463 00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:04,157 But I drunk 464 00:14:04,158 --> 00:14:05,679 ebay and Amazon. 465 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:06,805 I buy shit 466 00:14:06,806 --> 00:14:07,806 when I'm blacked out. 467 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,265 Which is... 468 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,808 Ebay's the worst, 469 00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:12,226 because if I get outbid, 470 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,603 then I take it personal 471 00:14:13,604 --> 00:14:14,853 when I'm drinking. 472 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,105 Like you just fucking looked 473 00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:17,231 at my girlfriend weird. 474 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,567 - "Outbid me? - I'm going to fucking outbid you. 475 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,110 - "Yeah, I'll wait. - I'll wait. 476 00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:22,362 "Come on. Do it. 477 00:14:22,363 --> 00:14:23,488 Outbid me? 478 00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:24,635 "Outbid you! Because you 479 00:14:24,636 --> 00:14:25,657 probably have kids. 480 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:26,950 "I don't. 481 00:14:26,951 --> 00:14:28,117 I don't have a lot of money, 482 00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:29,390 "but every penny I have 483 00:14:29,391 --> 00:14:30,537 is disposable 484 00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,288 - "because I don't - have children. 485 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:33,998 - "I bought a shitty, - cheap house 486 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,958 On the Mexican border. 487 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:37,898 "My nut is 800 bucks a year 488 00:14:37,899 --> 00:14:39,713 in property tax. 489 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:41,631 - "I could beg that. - You? 490 00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,942 - "You're gonna outbid me, - eventually you're gonna realize, 491 00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,155 "'shit, my children 492 00:14:45,156 --> 00:14:46,344 have to go to college.' 493 00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:47,575 "and I'm gonna realize, 494 00:14:47,576 --> 00:14:48,680 'shit. 495 00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,265 "'I need a vintage pachinko 496 00:14:50,266 --> 00:14:51,725 machine in my house 497 00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,267 "for some unknown reason.' 498 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:55,269 - "outbid you. - You lose. 499 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,397 I'm a giant winner... 500 00:14:57,398 --> 00:14:59,399 Somehow." 501 00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:01,067 Way worse than drunk dialing, 502 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,610 because drunk buying shit, 503 00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,571 - you don't even remember - you did it 504 00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,302 For five to seven 505 00:15:06,303 --> 00:15:07,907 business days. 506 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,471 You walk out of your house, 507 00:15:09,472 --> 00:15:10,910 and ups is building 508 00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,578 some corrugated 509 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,121 great wall of China outside. 510 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,623 Like, "what did I do now? 511 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,375 - "What did you get yourself - this time, 512 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:21,254 "Mr. Christmas in July? 513 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:23,465 Miracle socks, 514 00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:25,550 as seen on TV." 515 00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,595 Actual purchase. 516 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,555 - I don't have - circulation problems, 517 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:31,973 But evidently when I drink 518 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,266 on Ambien, 519 00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,580 that's some underlying fear 520 00:15:34,581 --> 00:15:35,769 I didn't even 521 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:38,063 know I had, 522 00:15:38,064 --> 00:15:40,231 is deep vein thrombosis. 523 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:41,691 "I'm going to die. 524 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:42,838 "Maybe that's why 525 00:15:42,839 --> 00:15:43,860 I never work Australia. 526 00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:45,612 - "That long flight - could kill me 527 00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:46,801 With deep vein 528 00:15:46,802 --> 00:15:47,864 thrombosis." 529 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,391 I have no fear of death, 530 00:15:54,392 --> 00:15:55,996 except I hate waiting for it. 531 00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,752 Just come on. 532 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,630 I beat cancer. 533 00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:05,548 - I never had it. - That's how I beat it. 534 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:06,904 Like I've... 535 00:16:06,905 --> 00:16:08,134 You survived it? 536 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,469 I beat the fuck out of it, 537 00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:10,678 but by not getting it. 538 00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:12,118 I've courted cancer 539 00:16:12,119 --> 00:16:13,431 every day of my life. 540 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,100 I have done everything but 541 00:16:15,101 --> 00:16:16,643 fucking paid cancer's 542 00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:18,394 taxi fare to my hotel. 543 00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:19,708 Won't show up. 544 00:16:19,709 --> 00:16:20,897 That's beating it. 545 00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:22,482 You survived it, 546 00:16:22,483 --> 00:16:23,942 you're like tied. 547 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,547 I get the number one seed 548 00:16:25,548 --> 00:16:27,027 in the bracket 549 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,656 over you, survivor. 550 00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,031 I'm a winner. 551 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,617 But there is an afterlife, 552 00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:34,640 and if I can give you 553 00:16:34,641 --> 00:16:36,537 any hope in this show, 554 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:37,893 I have definitive proof 555 00:16:37,894 --> 00:16:39,123 of an afterlife. 556 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:41,048 - I didn't get weird - or go religious on you. 557 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,543 - I'm not saying - there's a god. 558 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:43,941 I don't know what 559 00:16:43,942 --> 00:16:45,212 the afterlife entails, 560 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,507 but here's the proof. 561 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,718 My mother killed herself 562 00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:51,803 in 2008. 563 00:16:51,928 --> 00:16:53,429 - Don't worry. - This is a fun story. 564 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,993 It was the best death 565 00:16:54,994 --> 00:16:56,432 you could ever be part of. 566 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:57,975 She was dying 567 00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,393 of emphysema at 63. 568 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,750 Her brain was still with it, 569 00:17:00,751 --> 00:17:01,980 but her... 570 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:03,377 She was drowning 571 00:17:03,378 --> 00:17:04,649 in her own fluids. 572 00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,318 She's being permanently 573 00:17:06,319 --> 00:17:07,861 water boarded by 45 years 574 00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,612 of kool milds. 575 00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,007 - She can't take it anymore. - We knew it was gonna happen. 576 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,450 When she made the call, 577 00:17:13,451 --> 00:17:14,868 "I can't do it." 578 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,682 I'm like, "all right, ma. 579 00:17:16,683 --> 00:17:18,371 We'll do what we can." 580 00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:19,872 I'm like, "all right. 581 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,248 Ma's gonna kill herself." 582 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,054 - I don't know what to do. - Like that's... 583 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,585 - Okay, we know - it's gonna happen, 584 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,629 - But when you say, - "we're gonna do it," 585 00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:27,922 I'm not gonna go buy you 586 00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:29,089 a fucking shotgun. 587 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,175 Like, "have fun, ma." 588 00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:34,867 So I don't know 589 00:17:34,868 --> 00:17:36,055 what to do. 590 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,849 I don't kill people. 591 00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:39,517 It's just... 592 00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:41,311 It's not something, 593 00:17:41,312 --> 00:17:42,979 like, I fantasize about it. 594 00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:44,731 - If my mother - were Nancy grace, 595 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:45,690 - I'd have been - all over it. 596 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,358 Like I have plans. 597 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:48,526 But my mother was a great 598 00:17:48,527 --> 00:17:49,569 person, so I'm like, 599 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:50,987 "how do we do this right?" 600 00:17:50,988 --> 00:17:52,279 So I called my lawyer. 601 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,865 - I have three lawyers. - We have... 602 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,095 Like, we're jewed up big 603 00:17:55,096 --> 00:17:56,200 with lawyers in L.A. 604 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:57,660 For this shit, 605 00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:58,807 all the camera people 606 00:17:58,808 --> 00:17:59,829 and recording contracts. 607 00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,414 Then I have 608 00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:02,874 my local bisbee attorney 609 00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:04,601 - that helps me with... - Like, I got married 610 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,398 When I was 20 and I had 611 00:18:06,399 --> 00:18:08,170 24 years of marital bliss, 612 00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:09,964 - till I remembered, - "fuck. 613 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,591 I never divorced that girl 614 00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:13,092 I drunkenly married in Vegas." 615 00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,698 That's for another DVD. 616 00:18:14,699 --> 00:18:16,178 So he... 617 00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:17,805 But then we have our third 618 00:18:17,806 --> 00:18:19,306 lawyer, who's a comedy fan. 619 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,038 He's our, like wink-wink, 620 00:18:21,039 --> 00:18:22,643 nudge-nudge, 621 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,291 Saul Goodman 622 00:18:24,292 --> 00:18:25,813 from breaking bad attorney. 623 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,420 That he handles 624 00:18:27,421 --> 00:18:28,900 all the creepy shit, 625 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:30,214 like when me and Andy 626 00:18:30,215 --> 00:18:31,402 are up late at night 627 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,946 doing blow and thinking of... 628 00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:34,280 "call kirschner. 629 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:35,925 - "See how much jail time - we could... 630 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,551 - Could we go to prison - if we actually did this?" 631 00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,201 He's that guy. 632 00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:41,183 So I called him, knowing he'd 633 00:18:41,184 --> 00:18:43,039 hook me up with a doctor 634 00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:44,603 on the down low, as we say 635 00:18:44,604 --> 00:18:46,042 in the black community, 636 00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,627 as a black person. 637 00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:49,295 He gave me the number 638 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:50,838 to a doctor. 639 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:52,382 And I go, "hey, my mother's 640 00:18:52,383 --> 00:18:53,800 gonna cash out, 641 00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,205 - and I don't know - what to do." 642 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:56,510 - He said, - "what do you have?" 643 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,596 - I go, "I've got Xanax - out the ass." 644 00:18:58,721 --> 00:19:00,473 On the border, you can get all 645 00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:02,224 the fucking Xanax you want. 646 00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:03,559 He's like, "that's no good. 647 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:04,769 That's anti-anxiety. 648 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:06,562 Does she have hospice care?" 649 00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:07,897 "Yeah, she does." 650 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,440 - "Then she should - have morphine." 651 00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:10,691 "Ma, you got morphine?" 652 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,026 "Yeah, I got morphine." 653 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,569 - "All right. - She's got morphine." 654 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,505 - We worked out the dosages - and the milligrams. 655 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,197 - And he goes, "if she has - 30 of those, 656 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:18,554 That's enough to kill any 657 00:19:18,555 --> 00:19:19,784 human being on the planet." 658 00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,202 She had fucking 90. 659 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,392 Like, "okay. 660 00:19:23,393 --> 00:19:24,455 We're good. Okay." 661 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,248 - "We never talked. - Remember that." 662 00:19:26,373 --> 00:19:28,042 "Okay, doc." 663 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,293 So I'm like, "all right, 664 00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:30,419 we're gonna do this. 665 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,379 - First of all, - bring her to my house." 666 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,298 - Because she lived - in 300 square feet 667 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,925 Of hoarder paradise. 668 00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:37,406 Old electric bills with 669 00:19:37,407 --> 00:19:38,761 spider webs all crammed... 670 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,429 Like it's depressing enough 671 00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:42,407 - if you're gonna - help your mother kill herself. 672 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:43,933 But we're gonna go to my house. 673 00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:45,434 We'll tidy up, we'll... 674 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:47,541 So we set her up with a hospital 675 00:19:47,542 --> 00:19:49,522 bed in the living room. 676 00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:51,712 She had been aa off and on 677 00:19:51,713 --> 00:19:53,776 for my whole life. 678 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,111 She had, at this point, 679 00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:56,320 been four years sober. 680 00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:58,260 And I'm like, "you're not gonna 681 00:19:58,261 --> 00:20:00,074 kill yourself sober, right? 682 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,638 You can't take 683 00:20:01,639 --> 00:20:03,077 those chips with you." 684 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,871 Right? 685 00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:06,396 - She's like, "yeah. - You're right. 686 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:07,999 - Why would I do that? - That's dumb." 687 00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,792 - So she... - In her heyday, 688 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,418 - She was - a black Russian drinker, 689 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,649 So I set out a mini bottle 690 00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:13,754 of ketel one 691 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,173 and a mini bottle of Kahlua 692 00:20:15,174 --> 00:20:16,465 with her pills. 693 00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:17,717 "For whenever you're ready. 694 00:20:17,718 --> 00:20:18,843 Let me know." 695 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:21,637 We laid down ground rules. 696 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,139 I said, "ma, if you're gonna 697 00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:24,515 kill yourself, seriously, 698 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:25,913 "you can't do it 699 00:20:25,914 --> 00:20:27,185 on Sunday or Monday 700 00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:29,082 "because that's football, 701 00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:30,855 and that's a dick move. 702 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,857 "If you can call your own time 703 00:20:32,858 --> 00:20:34,734 to leave this planet, 704 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:36,319 "don't do it during someone 705 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,778 else's planned event. 706 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,114 Don't be an asshole." 707 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,470 And she did it the Saturday 708 00:20:41,471 --> 00:20:42,700 before football. 709 00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:43,825 That was great. 710 00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,494 She came in on Thursday. 711 00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:46,725 Saturday night, she goes, 712 00:20:46,726 --> 00:20:47,830 "it's time." 713 00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:49,311 And I'm like, "time for what? 714 00:20:49,312 --> 00:20:50,666 Like medication?" 715 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:51,918 "No, it's time." 716 00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:53,544 - And like, "fuck. - This is real." 717 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,046 So I wake up bingo. 718 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,255 Like it's going on. 719 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,527 We start mixing up 720 00:20:57,528 --> 00:20:58,674 white Russians. 721 00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:00,861 - She decided to make - black Russians white Russians 722 00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:02,094 Because she thought the milk 723 00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:03,303 would coat her belly 724 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:05,305 - better for taking - all the pills. 725 00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:06,599 Like mother till the end. 726 00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:07,725 "Do you have whole milk?" 727 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:08,726 "I got skim." 728 00:21:08,851 --> 00:21:10,228 "Skim'll work. 729 00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,312 - "I just don't want - to throw up the pills. 730 00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:13,981 Chicken soup 731 00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:15,524 for the suicide." 732 00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,318 It was so fucking... 733 00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:18,986 It was so sweet. 734 00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:20,905 So we're 735 00:21:20,906 --> 00:21:22,698 whipping up drinks and... 736 00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,534 I didn't so much assist 737 00:21:24,535 --> 00:21:26,244 a suicide as bar back it. 738 00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:27,995 - Like, I'm in there - mixing drinks 739 00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:29,496 - Because we're - all drinking. 740 00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:30,727 We watch bad Santa 741 00:21:30,728 --> 00:21:31,832 together, 742 00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,500 - her favorite movie, - together. 743 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,461 - She had a very dark - sense of humor. 744 00:21:35,586 --> 00:21:37,255 - I didn't come - from nowhere. 745 00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,465 - My mother used to review porn - on the man show. 746 00:21:39,590 --> 00:21:40,800 She was fucking dark 747 00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:42,009 like us. 748 00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:43,677 So we watched bad Santa, 749 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:44,929 and she's trying 750 00:21:44,930 --> 00:21:46,055 to choke down these pills. 751 00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:48,141 - She had a very hard time - taking pills. 752 00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:49,892 So she's just gagging 753 00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:51,518 and just getting them down. 754 00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:52,645 So I'm keeping 755 00:21:52,646 --> 00:21:53,646 a vague count. 756 00:21:53,771 --> 00:21:55,461 When she got around 30, 757 00:21:55,462 --> 00:21:57,150 a little over, I'm like, 758 00:21:57,275 --> 00:21:58,901 "ma, that's good. 759 00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:00,754 - You don't need to do anymore. - You're fine." 760 00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:02,217 And she said, "I don't want 761 00:22:02,218 --> 00:22:03,656 to take any chances." 762 00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:05,365 - She was so scared - of fucking up. 763 00:22:05,491 --> 00:22:07,702 She took all 90 morphine. 764 00:22:07,703 --> 00:22:09,912 The... 765 00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:11,389 - We're sitting there - in horror, going, 766 00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:13,291 "you're wasting... 767 00:22:13,292 --> 00:22:15,168 Ma... 768 00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:17,733 "They said 30 of those would 769 00:22:17,734 --> 00:22:20,173 kill any human being alive. 770 00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:21,716 "You could leave 60 of them 771 00:22:21,717 --> 00:22:23,134 for me and bingo 772 00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:25,073 "as our only inheritance 773 00:22:25,074 --> 00:22:26,887 other than the last 774 00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:28,681 17-year-old blind cat 775 00:22:28,682 --> 00:22:30,348 you have, Georgia." 776 00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,705 Yeah, we could have 777 00:22:31,706 --> 00:22:32,935 60 morphines 778 00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:34,854 - to have - spontaneous memorials 779 00:22:34,979 --> 00:22:36,188 For mother every year 780 00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,397 and again." 781 00:22:37,523 --> 00:22:39,025 - "Remember mom? - Pop a morphine. 782 00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:40,400 - "Whoo! - What a great lady. 783 00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:42,402 - What a crazy old bitch." - No. 784 00:22:42,528 --> 00:22:44,822 Hoarder till the end. 785 00:22:44,823 --> 00:22:47,116 All fucking 90. 786 00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:48,618 And then 787 00:22:48,619 --> 00:22:49,994 we fucked with her. 788 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:51,642 I remember her last words 789 00:22:51,643 --> 00:22:53,164 as she's coming in and out. 790 00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:54,415 Because we're just goofing 791 00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:55,541 on her as she's doing this, 792 00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:57,126 - as she's fading - in and out. 793 00:22:57,251 --> 00:22:58,971 - I didn't even know - if she would respond. 794 00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:00,109 She was just hammering 795 00:23:00,110 --> 00:23:01,172 cocktails, she... 796 00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:02,653 And she's laying there, 797 00:23:02,654 --> 00:23:04,008 half in, half out, 798 00:23:04,133 --> 00:23:06,219 - with a white Russian on her - chest that she'd 799 00:23:06,344 --> 00:23:07,553 Occasionally get to her mouth, 800 00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:08,762 and it'd spill. 801 00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:10,282 - You know when you come off - the wagon, 802 00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,682 You hit it fucking hard. 803 00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,142 And it's pretty bad 804 00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:14,661 - when you're trying - to keep up drinking 805 00:23:14,685 --> 00:23:16,395 With an 83-pound, 806 00:23:16,396 --> 00:23:18,105 63-year-old woman. 807 00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:19,648 - "Aagh." - And I go, "wow. 808 00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,525 - You're really knocking those - back, ma." 809 00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,652 And she goes, 810 00:23:23,653 --> 00:23:25,654 "there's times to be dainty, 811 00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:27,177 and there's times 812 00:23:27,178 --> 00:23:28,574 to be a pig." 813 00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:32,870 And we all laughed. 814 00:23:32,995 --> 00:23:34,267 And this is mother's problem 815 00:23:34,268 --> 00:23:35,539 throughout her life. 816 00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:36,937 She was a funny lady, 817 00:23:36,938 --> 00:23:38,209 sporadically. 818 00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:40,065 But when she would get a laugh, 819 00:23:40,066 --> 00:23:41,795 she would just hammer it 820 00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:42,964 and over-tag it 821 00:23:42,965 --> 00:23:44,006 and repeat the joke. 822 00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:45,674 Like, just keep... 823 00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:47,652 - "I can keep getting a laugh - off the same joke." 824 00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:49,469 - And it would ruin - the joke. 825 00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:51,614 - And when we all laughed at - "there's times to be a pig," 826 00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:52,953 I saw her go into... 827 00:23:52,954 --> 00:23:54,267 She's gonna... and I go, 828 00:23:54,392 --> 00:23:55,914 "shut your fucking mouth. 829 00:23:55,915 --> 00:23:57,435 Those are perfect last words. 830 00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:59,542 You're not gonna ruin this joke. 831 00:23:59,543 --> 00:24:01,523 Cut the mic on mother." 832 00:24:01,648 --> 00:24:03,901 And then we just roasted her 833 00:24:03,902 --> 00:24:06,153 as she fell in and out. 834 00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:07,363 We just did 835 00:24:07,364 --> 00:24:08,446 a friar's club roast, 836 00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:10,345 making fun of her and 837 00:24:10,346 --> 00:24:12,118 making it a fun, dark suicide. 838 00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:13,932 "Ma, wait. 839 00:24:13,933 --> 00:24:15,621 They found a cure." 840 00:24:18,749 --> 00:24:20,209 "I love you, 841 00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:21,668 but fuck you. 842 00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:24,213 I was a bad mother. 843 00:24:24,214 --> 00:24:26,632 I love you, I love you." 844 00:24:26,757 --> 00:24:28,426 At one point, 845 00:24:28,427 --> 00:24:30,094 I remember I said, 846 00:24:30,219 --> 00:24:32,054 "ma, if there's any kind of 847 00:24:32,055 --> 00:24:33,889 white light situation, 848 00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:35,203 "that other side 849 00:24:35,204 --> 00:24:36,392 that you get to, 850 00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:37,956 "if you can communicate 851 00:24:37,957 --> 00:24:39,395 with us Houdini-style, 852 00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:41,480 "see if there's any way 853 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:43,441 that you can make the saints 854 00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:45,088 "cover eight points 855 00:24:45,089 --> 00:24:46,610 at Oakland tomorrow 856 00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,486 - because I have money - on the game." 857 00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:49,634 And they did. The saints 858 00:24:49,635 --> 00:24:50,656 fucking blew them out... 859 00:24:50,781 --> 00:24:52,866 October 12, 2008. 860 00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:55,453 The saints won 34 to 3. 861 00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:57,162 I'm not saying that's proof 862 00:24:57,163 --> 00:24:58,747 of an afterlife. 863 00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:00,541 That was just 40 bucks 864 00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:02,209 that I won. 865 00:25:02,335 --> 00:25:04,066 Proof of the afterlife 866 00:25:04,067 --> 00:25:05,796 is this. 867 00:25:05,921 --> 00:25:09,675 If there were no afterlife, 868 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:12,178 how could my mother 869 00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:13,575 have bought me 870 00:25:13,576 --> 00:25:14,847 and my friends 871 00:25:14,972 --> 00:25:17,933 so many nice things 872 00:25:18,058 --> 00:25:21,895 from the skymall catalog 873 00:25:22,021 --> 00:25:24,940 on her credit card 874 00:25:25,065 --> 00:25:28,902 four days after 875 00:25:28,903 --> 00:25:32,739 she passed from this earth? 876 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,098 Answer me that, 877 00:25:36,099 --> 00:25:37,328 your honor. 878 00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:40,289 Answer me that. 879 00:25:40,414 --> 00:25:42,354 In fact, I'd like to enter these 880 00:25:42,355 --> 00:25:44,293 credit card receipts 881 00:25:44,418 --> 00:25:45,795 into evidence, against 882 00:25:45,796 --> 00:25:47,171 the advice of my attorney. 883 00:25:47,296 --> 00:25:49,048 - "Look at that. - Four days. 884 00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:50,841 - "I had to swear - on your Bible 885 00:25:50,966 --> 00:25:52,030 "just to testify 886 00:25:52,031 --> 00:25:53,093 in my own defense. 887 00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:54,637 "Your silly fake Jesus 888 00:25:54,638 --> 00:25:56,055 only lasted three days 889 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:57,640 "before he ran out 890 00:25:57,641 --> 00:25:59,099 of that cave like a pussy. 891 00:25:59,225 --> 00:26:00,768 "My mother? Four days, 892 00:26:00,769 --> 00:26:02,311 relaxing up there. 893 00:26:02,436 --> 00:26:04,063 She's drunk ebaying 894 00:26:04,064 --> 00:26:05,689 like I do!" 895 00:26:11,195 --> 00:26:12,634 That last piece of that story 896 00:26:12,635 --> 00:26:14,073 has special meaning to me 897 00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:15,449 because in my entire career, 898 00:26:15,450 --> 00:26:16,700 that's the only chunk 899 00:26:16,825 --> 00:26:18,536 of material I've ever had that 900 00:26:18,537 --> 00:26:20,246 had a statute of limitations 901 00:26:20,371 --> 00:26:21,831 before I could comfortably 902 00:26:21,832 --> 00:26:23,290 tell it on stage. 903 00:26:23,416 --> 00:26:25,251 Three-year statute 904 00:26:25,252 --> 00:26:27,086 for credit card fraud. 905 00:26:27,211 --> 00:26:32,841 After that, fuck you. 906 00:26:32,966 --> 00:26:34,093 Mother didn't want some 907 00:26:34,094 --> 00:26:35,219 silly gravestone. 908 00:26:35,344 --> 00:26:36,678 That doesn't do anything. 909 00:26:36,803 --> 00:26:38,118 Mother wanted me to have 910 00:26:38,119 --> 00:26:39,432 a voice-activated 911 00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:41,121 remote control 912 00:26:41,122 --> 00:26:42,684 r2-d2 doll. 913 00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:51,860 I'm just saying we all 914 00:26:51,861 --> 00:26:54,905 occupy in our own way. 915 00:26:55,030 --> 00:26:58,012 You occupy your fucking filthy 916 00:26:58,013 --> 00:27:00,994 Portland hippie selves 917 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:04,915 because you hate the 1% 918 00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,459 and you hate the banks 919 00:27:06,584 --> 00:27:07,856 because of their 920 00:27:07,857 --> 00:27:09,128 predatory-lending practices 921 00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:10,859 against the people, and enslave 922 00:27:10,860 --> 00:27:12,465 them in a lifetime of debt. 923 00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:13,924 What'd you do about it? 924 00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:15,301 You stunk up a park 925 00:27:15,302 --> 00:27:16,552 for almost a year. 926 00:27:16,676 --> 00:27:18,220 I occupy far 927 00:27:18,221 --> 00:27:19,763 more efficiently. 928 00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:20,994 Maybe you should look to me 929 00:27:20,995 --> 00:27:22,099 for leadership. 930 00:27:22,224 --> 00:27:23,496 I hate the banks as well, 931 00:27:23,497 --> 00:27:24,768 as we all do. 932 00:27:24,893 --> 00:27:26,145 How did I fuck them? 933 00:27:26,270 --> 00:27:28,021 - I spent three hours - jacking up 934 00:27:28,147 --> 00:27:29,669 Mother's chase bank visa card 935 00:27:29,670 --> 00:27:31,191 after she's dead 936 00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:33,069 up to its $10,000 limit, 937 00:27:33,070 --> 00:27:34,820 buying dumb shit 938 00:27:34,945 --> 00:27:36,259 that no one needs and sticking 939 00:27:36,260 --> 00:27:37,573 them with the bill 940 00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,137 because she had no estate 941 00:27:39,138 --> 00:27:40,576 except for that blind, 942 00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:42,035 fucking last cat. 943 00:27:42,161 --> 00:27:43,892 If you want to repo that, 944 00:27:43,893 --> 00:27:45,623 have at it. 945 00:27:47,166 --> 00:27:49,147 That actually caused damage 946 00:27:49,148 --> 00:27:51,128 to the bank. 947 00:27:51,253 --> 00:27:52,483 Not sitting around 948 00:27:52,484 --> 00:27:53,713 with a dog with a kerchief 949 00:27:53,839 --> 00:27:55,216 and a cardboard sign, 950 00:27:55,217 --> 00:27:56,592 "doo doo doo doo," 951 00:27:56,716 --> 00:27:58,156 slapping on drums 952 00:27:58,157 --> 00:27:59,595 in a drum circle. 953 00:27:59,719 --> 00:28:01,013 The fucking occupy movement 954 00:28:01,014 --> 00:28:02,306 was such a letdown 955 00:28:02,431 --> 00:28:03,890 - because you seemed - like me. 956 00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:05,827 - Angry, and we're gonna - take to the streets. 957 00:28:05,851 --> 00:28:06,894 And, holy shit, 958 00:28:06,895 --> 00:28:07,936 around the globe, 959 00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:09,647 - people are, - "fuck this. 960 00:28:09,771 --> 00:28:11,064 We're gonna do something." 961 00:28:11,190 --> 00:28:12,608 And what did you do? 962 00:28:12,609 --> 00:28:14,026 You fucked up a park. 963 00:28:14,151 --> 00:28:15,778 All you fucked up in a year 964 00:28:15,779 --> 00:28:17,404 is some guy's day 965 00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:18,781 who wanted to throw 966 00:28:18,782 --> 00:28:20,032 a frisbee for his dog, 967 00:28:20,157 --> 00:28:21,409 but he couldn't because 968 00:28:21,410 --> 00:28:22,660 you're all camped out there. 969 00:28:22,784 --> 00:28:24,744 - You hate the banks? - Don't fuck up the park. 970 00:28:24,870 --> 00:28:26,872 Fuck up the bank. 971 00:28:28,582 --> 00:28:30,042 - Who's in charge - of this project? 972 00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:31,793 Next time, me! 973 00:28:31,918 --> 00:28:32,961 "We don't really 974 00:28:32,962 --> 00:28:34,004 have leadership." 975 00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:37,799 You needed some! 976 00:28:37,924 --> 00:28:39,509 You have 500 angry people 977 00:28:39,510 --> 00:28:41,094 in a park. 978 00:28:41,220 --> 00:28:42,513 Go break them up 979 00:28:42,514 --> 00:28:43,805 into squads of 20. 980 00:28:43,930 --> 00:28:45,390 You can fuck up every 981 00:28:45,391 --> 00:28:46,850 branch of bank of America 982 00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:49,144 in a 50-mile radius. 983 00:28:49,269 --> 00:28:51,230 Go there, and not 984 00:28:51,231 --> 00:28:53,190 as anarchists, either. 985 00:28:53,315 --> 00:28:54,543 - Throwing bricks - through the windows? 986 00:28:54,567 --> 00:28:55,631 What are you, 987 00:28:55,632 --> 00:28:56,694 a fucking teenager? 988 00:28:56,818 --> 00:28:58,487 Have some ingenuity. 989 00:28:58,612 --> 00:29:00,218 You line up as customers 990 00:29:00,219 --> 00:29:01,823 at 8:00 in the morning. 991 00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:03,742 They only have two desks 992 00:29:03,743 --> 00:29:05,536 to do actual commerce 993 00:29:05,661 --> 00:29:06,766 other than cashing checks 994 00:29:06,767 --> 00:29:07,871 and shit. 995 00:29:07,996 --> 00:29:09,915 You clog up those two desks 996 00:29:09,916 --> 00:29:11,833 as bogus customers. 997 00:29:11,958 --> 00:29:14,044 Sit down, cross your legs, 998 00:29:14,169 --> 00:29:16,401 apply for frivolous loans 999 00:29:16,402 --> 00:29:18,632 all day long. 1000 00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:20,279 That's a lot of paperwork 1001 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:21,801 for every frivolous, 1002 00:29:21,927 --> 00:29:26,599 "yes, I need a billion dollars 1003 00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:31,270 for an ant farm. 1004 00:29:33,355 --> 00:29:35,065 "Sharpen some pencils. 1005 00:29:35,190 --> 00:29:36,317 "That's a big stack 1006 00:29:36,318 --> 00:29:37,443 of paperwork. 1007 00:29:37,568 --> 00:29:40,404 I'd love some coffee." 1008 00:29:40,529 --> 00:29:42,260 You comb your dreadlocks 1009 00:29:42,261 --> 00:29:43,990 over to one side, 1010 00:29:44,116 --> 00:29:45,743 put on your 1011 00:29:45,744 --> 00:29:47,369 $3 salvation army suit, 1012 00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:48,683 and you clog up 1013 00:29:48,684 --> 00:29:49,871 all their time. 1014 00:29:49,996 --> 00:29:51,623 "Or you could deny me the right 1015 00:29:51,624 --> 00:29:53,250 to apply for the loan, 1016 00:29:53,375 --> 00:29:55,106 "and then I sue the fuck 1017 00:29:55,107 --> 00:29:56,836 out of you for discrimination, 1018 00:29:56,962 --> 00:29:58,380 causing even more damage 1019 00:29:58,381 --> 00:29:59,798 to your bottom line." 1020 00:29:59,923 --> 00:30:02,008 - Rather than just - sitting out there in a park 1021 00:30:02,134 --> 00:30:04,094 - Getting tear-gassed - by cops. 1022 00:30:04,219 --> 00:30:05,616 What does that do? 1023 00:30:05,617 --> 00:30:07,013 What are you accomplishing? 1024 00:30:07,139 --> 00:30:08,432 "I got it on tape. 1025 00:30:08,433 --> 00:30:09,725 Police abuse." 1026 00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:10,934 Yeah, police abuse people. 1027 00:30:10,935 --> 00:30:12,018 That's how it works. 1028 00:30:12,144 --> 00:30:13,353 You're never gonna win. 1029 00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:15,230 - Yeah. Well, you want - to fight that, 1030 00:30:15,355 --> 00:30:16,565 And eventually they'll go, 1031 00:30:16,566 --> 00:30:17,775 "it was justified." 1032 00:30:17,899 --> 00:30:19,777 - "I was laying there. - I'm paralyzed. 1033 00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:21,781 - I was face-down in the park. - They tased me." 1034 00:30:21,903 --> 00:30:23,029 "Justified." 1035 00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:24,323 Yeah. 1036 00:30:24,324 --> 00:30:25,491 Why aren't you the cops? 1037 00:30:25,616 --> 00:30:26,784 That's a better idea. 1038 00:30:26,908 --> 00:30:28,619 - You had a fucking year - in the park. 1039 00:30:28,744 --> 00:30:30,371 The first week of occupy, 1040 00:30:30,372 --> 00:30:31,997 you should have called everyone 1041 00:30:32,122 --> 00:30:34,499 with no police record out, 1042 00:30:34,500 --> 00:30:36,876 made them go apply to be police. 1043 00:30:37,002 --> 00:30:38,316 You'd have had people that have 1044 00:30:38,317 --> 00:30:39,630 gotten through the academy. 1045 00:30:39,755 --> 00:30:41,319 They're in the works now. 1046 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:42,882 They're moles on your side. 1047 00:30:43,008 --> 00:30:44,093 They're sitting there 1048 00:30:44,094 --> 00:30:45,177 in a riot helmet 1049 00:30:45,302 --> 00:30:46,595 with a Bluetooth underneath 1050 00:30:46,596 --> 00:30:47,887 the star wars helmet, 1051 00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:49,348 calling you in the park, 1052 00:30:49,349 --> 00:30:50,683 giving you heads-ups. 1053 00:30:50,808 --> 00:30:52,434 "Hey, Kevin. 1054 00:30:52,559 --> 00:30:54,207 "You might want to put on 1055 00:30:54,208 --> 00:30:55,854 a gas mask around 7:45 A.M., 1056 00:30:55,979 --> 00:30:59,065 you know what I'm saying?" 1057 00:30:59,191 --> 00:31:00,880 "Thanks, Shane, but we're 1058 00:31:00,881 --> 00:31:02,569 already wearing gas masks 1059 00:31:02,695 --> 00:31:04,447 "'cause we haven't showered 1060 00:31:04,448 --> 00:31:06,198 in 7 1/2 months, 1061 00:31:06,323 --> 00:31:08,013 "and Angela's snatch is really 1062 00:31:08,014 --> 00:31:09,702 starting to reek up 1063 00:31:09,827 --> 00:31:10,849 "the pup tent something 1064 00:31:10,850 --> 00:31:11,870 ferocious. 1065 00:31:11,995 --> 00:31:13,789 - "But keep fighting - the good fight. 1066 00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:15,269 Power to the people!" 1067 00:31:15,270 --> 00:31:16,625 Good Christ. 1068 00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:17,981 You could have done so much 1069 00:31:17,982 --> 00:31:19,211 with that. 1070 00:31:19,336 --> 00:31:21,150 There's a fucking million ways 1071 00:31:21,151 --> 00:31:22,964 you could have been clever. 1072 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:24,841 That's why I love wikileaks 1073 00:31:24,842 --> 00:31:26,593 and anonymous, 1074 00:31:26,719 --> 00:31:27,903 - 'cause they're actually - in there. 1075 00:31:27,927 --> 00:31:29,680 - They're fucking - with the system. 1076 00:31:29,805 --> 00:31:32,453 They're not sitting around 1077 00:31:32,454 --> 00:31:35,101 chanting and slapping bongos. 1078 00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:37,146 Bradley Manning didn't get 1079 00:31:37,147 --> 00:31:39,064 to release all that information 1080 00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:40,774 - by sitting - in a drum circle. 1081 00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,484 He had to get inside. 1082 00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:43,923 That's why you should fucking 1083 00:31:43,924 --> 00:31:45,237 read up on scientology. 1084 00:31:45,362 --> 00:31:46,530 And I'm serious. 1085 00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:49,199 Scientology is brilliant. 1086 00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:50,576 Read this book 1087 00:31:50,577 --> 00:31:51,827 inside scientology. 1088 00:31:51,951 --> 00:31:53,870 It's a breakdown of how 1089 00:31:53,871 --> 00:31:55,789 that evil motherfucker 1090 00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:57,520 created that religion 1091 00:31:57,521 --> 00:31:59,125 in a modern time. 1092 00:31:59,251 --> 00:32:00,336 Every other religion people 1093 00:32:00,337 --> 00:32:01,420 believe in, 1094 00:32:01,545 --> 00:32:03,338 you only believe in it 1095 00:32:03,339 --> 00:32:05,131 because all your ancestry did. 1096 00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:07,572 This guy had to create this 1097 00:32:07,573 --> 00:32:09,887 and sell it to adults recently. 1098 00:32:10,011 --> 00:32:11,889 It's as stupid as any other 1099 00:32:11,890 --> 00:32:13,766 religion, but how did he do it? 1100 00:32:13,891 --> 00:32:15,017 How did he create 1101 00:32:15,018 --> 00:32:16,142 this leviathan? 1102 00:32:16,268 --> 00:32:17,311 Read this book 1103 00:32:17,312 --> 00:32:18,353 inside scientology 1104 00:32:18,478 --> 00:32:20,084 and apply those evil tactics 1105 00:32:20,085 --> 00:32:21,690 to occupy, 1106 00:32:21,815 --> 00:32:22,816 and you have a fucking 1107 00:32:22,817 --> 00:32:23,817 winning recipe. 1108 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:27,091 You follow l. Ron Hubbard's 1109 00:32:27,092 --> 00:32:30,240 intimidation, 1110 00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:32,117 infiltration, harassment, 1111 00:32:32,118 --> 00:32:33,869 blackmail, 1112 00:32:33,993 --> 00:32:35,829 - complete abuse of - the legal system, 1113 00:32:35,954 --> 00:32:37,831 Where you just turn a cross-eyed 1114 00:32:37,832 --> 00:32:39,708 stink look at scientology, 1115 00:32:39,833 --> 00:32:41,752 - and they'll sue you - into poverty. 1116 00:32:41,877 --> 00:32:43,378 You use that for good. 1117 00:32:43,503 --> 00:32:45,338 - You know what - l. Ron Hubbard didn't have 1118 00:32:45,464 --> 00:32:47,529 In his master plan 1119 00:32:47,530 --> 00:32:49,593 for world domination? 1120 00:32:49,718 --> 00:32:51,177 Drum circle! 1121 00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:53,889 It doesn't do anything! 1122 00:32:54,013 --> 00:32:55,974 No one wants to hear that. 1123 00:32:56,099 --> 00:32:57,851 It's annoying as shit. 1124 00:32:57,976 --> 00:32:59,081 You had enough time 1125 00:32:59,082 --> 00:33:00,186 in a year 1126 00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:01,584 to learn how to play 1127 00:33:01,585 --> 00:33:02,856 real instruments. 1128 00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:04,274 You could have had 1129 00:33:04,399 --> 00:33:05,630 a whole New Orleans-style 1130 00:33:05,631 --> 00:33:06,860 jazz swing band 1131 00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:11,531 that people want to hear. 1132 00:33:11,657 --> 00:33:14,117 But instead, what? 1133 00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:15,118 I'm not against you. 1134 00:33:15,243 --> 00:33:17,496 I appreciate the passion. 1135 00:33:17,621 --> 00:33:19,581 I don't know how anyone 1136 00:33:19,582 --> 00:33:21,541 who has a cause in life 1137 00:33:21,667 --> 00:33:23,387 - where they put that much time - and effort 1138 00:33:23,418 --> 00:33:24,419 Into trying to change 1139 00:33:24,420 --> 00:33:25,420 something... 1140 00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:27,130 How do you pick one thing? 1141 00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:28,361 How do you wake up 1142 00:33:28,362 --> 00:33:29,466 in the morning 1143 00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:31,656 and look at the billions of 1144 00:33:31,657 --> 00:33:33,720 things that suck on this planet? 1145 00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:35,722 - You log into - your yahoo! News 1146 00:33:35,848 --> 00:33:38,284 - And it's just countries you - didn't even know were countries 1147 00:33:38,308 --> 00:33:40,435 - Have problems - you didn't even know existed. 1148 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:42,187 - How do you pick - one sliver of that 1149 00:33:42,312 --> 00:33:44,105 - And decide, - that's the one. 1150 00:33:44,230 --> 00:33:46,358 We have to print up t-shirts 1151 00:33:46,359 --> 00:33:48,485 and have a car wash. 1152 00:33:48,610 --> 00:33:49,862 I would be so confused. 1153 00:33:49,987 --> 00:33:51,613 I want to make change. 1154 00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:53,073 How do you pick something 1155 00:33:53,074 --> 00:33:54,407 if it hasn't affected you? 1156 00:33:54,533 --> 00:33:55,868 Juvenile diabetes? 1157 00:33:55,993 --> 00:33:57,136 - Well, I don't know, - but I have 1158 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:58,600 - Lots of free time - during the day. 1159 00:33:58,662 --> 00:34:00,121 I guess I should... wait. 1160 00:34:00,246 --> 00:34:01,289 Spina bifida, 1161 00:34:01,290 --> 00:34:02,332 and the guy's right here, 1162 00:34:02,457 --> 00:34:03,893 - and he's uncomfortable - to look at. 1163 00:34:03,917 --> 00:34:05,043 So maybe I'll go 1164 00:34:05,044 --> 00:34:06,169 with this guy's cause. 1165 00:34:06,294 --> 00:34:08,234 And clitoral circumcision 1166 00:34:08,235 --> 00:34:10,173 in the third world? 1167 00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:11,737 I know that gives me a handy 1168 00:34:11,738 --> 00:34:13,176 excuse for not finding it, 1169 00:34:13,301 --> 00:34:14,907 but that's selfish, and I have 1170 00:34:14,908 --> 00:34:16,513 to stop thinking about me. 1171 00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:18,390 And as soon as you focus 1172 00:34:18,391 --> 00:34:20,141 on one thing, 1173 00:34:20,266 --> 00:34:21,497 here comes Sarah mclachlan 1174 00:34:21,498 --> 00:34:22,728 on the TV 1175 00:34:22,853 --> 00:34:24,292 with the skinny, sad puppies 1176 00:34:24,293 --> 00:34:25,731 and the abused... 1177 00:34:25,856 --> 00:34:27,941 "in the arms of an angel." 1178 00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:29,651 I don't know why animals 1179 00:34:29,776 --> 00:34:31,716 always seem to trump 1180 00:34:31,717 --> 00:34:33,655 any human cause, but they do. 1181 00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:35,345 And now you're telling me about 1182 00:34:35,346 --> 00:34:36,909 fucking corrective rape, 1183 00:34:37,034 --> 00:34:38,515 which is some weird thing 1184 00:34:38,516 --> 00:34:39,995 in South Africa, you know? 1185 00:34:40,119 --> 00:34:41,621 Corrective rape is where 1186 00:34:41,622 --> 00:34:43,122 they gang-rape lesbians 1187 00:34:43,248 --> 00:34:44,270 to try to cure them, 1188 00:34:44,271 --> 00:34:45,291 and I want to... 1189 00:34:45,417 --> 00:34:47,440 I'm behind that, 1190 00:34:47,441 --> 00:34:49,462 just to bring attention to it, 1191 00:34:49,588 --> 00:34:50,777 'cause the term 1192 00:34:50,778 --> 00:34:51,965 "corrective rape" 1193 00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:53,195 is such a good 1194 00:34:53,196 --> 00:34:54,300 comedy reference 1195 00:34:54,426 --> 00:34:55,448 that I demand 1196 00:34:55,449 --> 00:34:56,469 a bigger laugh 1197 00:34:56,595 --> 00:34:57,955 - when I mention - corrective rape, 1198 00:34:58,013 --> 00:34:59,472 But no one knows about it. 1199 00:34:59,598 --> 00:35:01,516 - So, I want to bring attention - to your cause. 1200 00:35:01,641 --> 00:35:03,184 - I just don't know - how you pick. 1201 00:35:03,309 --> 00:35:05,520 If I had any cause 1202 00:35:05,521 --> 00:35:07,731 over the course of my career 1203 00:35:07,856 --> 00:35:09,733 - that I've bitched - the most about, 1204 00:35:09,858 --> 00:35:11,026 It's overpopulation, 1205 00:35:11,027 --> 00:35:12,193 which is the root 1206 00:35:12,318 --> 00:35:14,613 - of most of the other problems - you care about. 1207 00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:16,615 Anti-children, but I don't know 1208 00:35:16,616 --> 00:35:18,491 where to send a check. 1209 00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:20,077 I don't know. 1210 00:35:20,078 --> 00:35:21,536 Like, what do you do? 1211 00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,622 - The only solution that - I've ever come up with, 1212 00:35:23,747 --> 00:35:25,791 Which I think is great, 1213 00:35:25,792 --> 00:35:27,834 but no one's gotten on board, 1214 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:31,880 incentive-based eugenics. 1215 00:35:32,005 --> 00:35:33,757 Eugenics was a practice 1216 00:35:33,758 --> 00:35:35,508 of sterilizing people. 1217 00:35:35,634 --> 00:35:37,010 Hitler got a lot 1218 00:35:37,011 --> 00:35:38,386 of the credit for it, 1219 00:35:38,511 --> 00:35:39,825 but it was actually done 1220 00:35:39,826 --> 00:35:41,139 in this country 1221 00:35:41,264 --> 00:35:43,475 long before Hitler 1222 00:35:43,476 --> 00:35:45,685 even knew who he was mad at. 1223 00:35:45,811 --> 00:35:47,583 We were practicing eugenics 1224 00:35:47,584 --> 00:35:49,355 in this country. 1225 00:35:49,481 --> 00:35:51,483 Eugenics was the practice 1226 00:35:51,608 --> 00:35:55,508 of forced sterilization of 1227 00:35:55,509 --> 00:35:59,407 undesirables, which sounds bad. 1228 00:35:59,532 --> 00:36:01,743 And the way they did it 1229 00:36:01,744 --> 00:36:03,954 was bad 'cause they would... 1230 00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:05,309 First of all, 1231 00:36:05,310 --> 00:36:06,539 the force is wrong. 1232 00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:08,020 You don't force people to do 1233 00:36:08,021 --> 00:36:09,375 things they don't want to do. 1234 00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:11,566 And, "b," who decides 1235 00:36:11,567 --> 00:36:13,630 who's undesirable? 1236 00:36:13,755 --> 00:36:15,235 - They were doing it - in this country 1237 00:36:15,298 --> 00:36:16,800 - At the turn - of the 20th century, 1238 00:36:16,925 --> 00:36:18,114 Which is the 1900s, 1239 00:36:18,115 --> 00:36:19,302 for a lot of my fans. 1240 00:36:19,427 --> 00:36:21,179 Early 1900s. 1241 00:36:21,304 --> 00:36:23,807 To criminals, perverts, 1242 00:36:23,808 --> 00:36:26,309 which is way too vague, 1243 00:36:26,434 --> 00:36:28,082 the mentally ill, 1244 00:36:28,083 --> 00:36:29,729 mentally retarded, 1245 00:36:29,855 --> 00:36:31,607 homosexuals, 1246 00:36:31,608 --> 00:36:33,358 which makes perfect sense. 1247 00:36:33,483 --> 00:36:35,527 We don't want them 1248 00:36:35,528 --> 00:36:37,570 breeding. 1249 00:36:37,696 --> 00:36:39,865 Have little queers running 1250 00:36:39,866 --> 00:36:42,034 all up and down like gremlins. 1251 00:36:42,159 --> 00:36:44,077 - But if you took away - the force, 1252 00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,266 And you just made it 1253 00:36:45,267 --> 00:36:46,329 incentive-based 1254 00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:48,018 for people willing 1255 00:36:48,019 --> 00:36:49,582 to sterilize themselves. 1256 00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:51,418 Offer up 1257 00:36:51,419 --> 00:36:53,128 some white trash prizes. 1258 00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,630 You know, Nascar pit pass, 1259 00:36:55,631 --> 00:36:58,008 meet your favorite driver. 1260 00:36:58,133 --> 00:36:59,259 All you've got to do 1261 00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:00,385 is snip the sac. 1262 00:37:00,510 --> 00:37:02,470 "Really?" 1263 00:37:02,595 --> 00:37:04,118 Year's supply 1264 00:37:04,119 --> 00:37:05,640 of sunny delight. 1265 00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:07,517 - You want some sunny d, - don't you? 1266 00:37:07,642 --> 00:37:08,935 All you got to do is putty up 1267 00:37:08,936 --> 00:37:10,228 that front hole, lady. 1268 00:37:10,353 --> 00:37:11,438 You still have 1269 00:37:11,439 --> 00:37:12,522 two holes left 1270 00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:13,753 to trick guys 1271 00:37:13,754 --> 00:37:14,858 out of drinks at the bar. 1272 00:37:14,983 --> 00:37:18,277 What do we got to do? 1273 00:37:18,403 --> 00:37:21,010 "Are you telling me, 1274 00:37:21,011 --> 00:37:23,616 if I cut off my balls, 1275 00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:26,015 I'm going crossbow hunting 1276 00:37:26,016 --> 00:37:28,287 with Ted nugent?" 1277 00:37:28,413 --> 00:37:30,832 Well, shit, yeah. 1278 00:37:30,957 --> 00:37:31,979 "No. No, sir, sir, sir. 1279 00:37:31,980 --> 00:37:33,001 Wait, no. 1280 00:37:33,126 --> 00:37:35,087 - "We don't actually - cut off your balls. 1281 00:37:35,212 --> 00:37:36,880 We just make a small incision 1282 00:37:36,881 --> 00:37:38,548 with a local anesthetic." 1283 00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:40,947 "Fuck you. I want you 1284 00:37:40,948 --> 00:37:43,220 to cut off my whole balls. 1285 00:37:43,344 --> 00:37:44,888 "I'm gonna hang them 1286 00:37:44,889 --> 00:37:46,431 from my rear-view mirror 1287 00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:48,725 "like a lucky rabbit's foot. 1288 00:37:48,850 --> 00:37:50,519 "I'm going crossbow hunting 1289 00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,187 with the nuge. 1290 00:37:52,311 --> 00:37:54,835 I ain't never won nothing 1291 00:37:54,836 --> 00:37:57,358 in my life." 1292 00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:07,285 That's a workable plan. 1293 00:38:07,410 --> 00:38:10,496 Can't argue with that. 1294 00:38:10,622 --> 00:38:12,082 It just won't happen. 1295 00:38:12,083 --> 00:38:13,541 Here's what I think. 1296 00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:15,543 - If you're behind - whatever you're behind, 1297 00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:17,128 We should triage 1298 00:38:17,129 --> 00:38:18,588 all charity. 1299 00:38:18,713 --> 00:38:20,924 So we take the most important 1300 00:38:20,925 --> 00:38:23,135 and most easily solved first. 1301 00:38:23,260 --> 00:38:24,782 Everyone works on that, and 1302 00:38:24,783 --> 00:38:26,304 we'll get to yours eventually. 1303 00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,431 I would start with starving 1304 00:38:28,432 --> 00:38:30,433 people in a world full of food. 1305 00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:34,771 That seems easy to solve. 1306 00:38:34,896 --> 00:38:36,710 You don't need scientists with 1307 00:38:36,711 --> 00:38:38,524 lab reports and years, no. 1308 00:38:38,650 --> 00:38:40,235 There's lots of shitloads 1309 00:38:40,236 --> 00:38:41,820 of food. 1310 00:38:41,945 --> 00:38:43,051 There's just 1311 00:38:43,052 --> 00:38:44,156 a transit problem. 1312 00:38:44,281 --> 00:38:46,554 Get someone from fedex, 1313 00:38:46,555 --> 00:38:48,827 get the food there. 1314 00:38:48,952 --> 00:38:50,495 We live in a place, fucking 1315 00:38:50,496 --> 00:38:52,038 horse meat is a scandal. 1316 00:38:52,164 --> 00:38:53,539 They found horse meat. 1317 00:38:53,665 --> 00:38:55,062 "How dare... my god. 1318 00:38:55,063 --> 00:38:56,459 Have you heard? 1319 00:38:56,584 --> 00:38:59,212 "There was horse meat in my 1320 00:38:59,213 --> 00:39:01,840 frozen, processed lasagna meal. 1321 00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:04,468 How dare they put a more lean 1322 00:39:04,469 --> 00:39:06,970 and nutritional meat?" 1323 00:39:07,095 --> 00:39:09,056 And now we're gonna dump it 1324 00:39:09,057 --> 00:39:11,016 by the warehousefuls 1325 00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:12,976 in the garbage dumps, 1326 00:39:13,101 --> 00:39:14,707 while people are starving 1327 00:39:14,708 --> 00:39:16,313 to death on this planet. 1328 00:39:16,437 --> 00:39:17,437 That makes no sense. 1329 00:39:17,522 --> 00:39:19,440 - I can solve that. - Yeah. 1330 00:39:19,565 --> 00:39:21,171 Take that food and feed 1331 00:39:21,172 --> 00:39:22,777 the people that don't have it. 1332 00:39:22,902 --> 00:39:24,404 And then we get down to 1333 00:39:24,405 --> 00:39:25,905 the next most important 1334 00:39:26,031 --> 00:39:27,219 and the wrongly accused 1335 00:39:27,220 --> 00:39:28,407 and the torture 1336 00:39:28,533 --> 00:39:30,035 and the thing 1337 00:39:30,036 --> 00:39:31,536 and the disease and... 1338 00:39:31,661 --> 00:39:33,205 Occupy is lower, 1339 00:39:33,330 --> 00:39:34,560 and then, save the manatees 1340 00:39:34,561 --> 00:39:35,790 even lower than that. 1341 00:39:35,915 --> 00:39:37,104 And eventually, hopefully, 1342 00:39:37,105 --> 00:39:38,293 in a perfect world, 1343 00:39:38,417 --> 00:39:40,065 we'd get down to the bottom, 1344 00:39:40,066 --> 00:39:41,713 which is toys for tots. 1345 00:39:41,838 --> 00:39:44,091 How fucking embarrassing is it 1346 00:39:44,092 --> 00:39:46,343 to live in a country 1347 00:39:46,467 --> 00:39:48,053 where toys for tots 1348 00:39:48,178 --> 00:39:50,159 is an actual recognized, 1349 00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:52,140 legitimate charity? 1350 00:39:52,265 --> 00:39:54,476 God forbid little Daniel 1351 00:39:54,477 --> 00:39:56,686 go through some bogus holiday 1352 00:39:56,811 --> 00:39:59,230 made for some fake deity 1353 00:39:59,231 --> 00:40:01,649 without Lincoln logs. 1354 00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:03,797 The horror. 1355 00:40:03,798 --> 00:40:05,820 The horror. 1356 00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:07,510 That's why they have to have 1357 00:40:07,511 --> 00:40:09,074 marines and bikers 1358 00:40:09,199 --> 00:40:10,930 enforce that shit 1359 00:40:10,931 --> 00:40:12,660 like henchmen. 1360 00:40:12,785 --> 00:40:14,429 - 'Cause otherwise, - you'd just go, "fuck you. 1361 00:40:14,453 --> 00:40:15,538 Toys? 1362 00:40:15,539 --> 00:40:16,622 There's starving people." 1363 00:40:16,748 --> 00:40:17,874 And then some big, 1364 00:40:17,875 --> 00:40:19,000 fucking, crew-cut guy. 1365 00:40:19,125 --> 00:40:20,126 "I fucking fought 1366 00:40:20,127 --> 00:40:21,127 for your freedom! 1367 00:40:21,253 --> 00:40:22,984 Give me a goddamned lego 1368 00:40:22,985 --> 00:40:24,714 for the kid!" 1369 00:40:28,927 --> 00:40:31,388 It's gonna be tough. 1370 00:40:37,643 --> 00:40:40,125 Whatever your cause, 1371 00:40:40,126 --> 00:40:42,607 your charity, or your drive, 1372 00:40:42,732 --> 00:40:45,568 your effort, audit it. 1373 00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:47,550 Make sure, 'cause so much of it 1374 00:40:47,551 --> 00:40:49,406 is symbolism over substance, 1375 00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:51,387 where people think they're 1376 00:40:51,388 --> 00:40:53,243 helping by doing nothing. 1377 00:40:53,368 --> 00:40:55,182 Audit all the time and effort, 1378 00:40:55,183 --> 00:40:56,996 and see if you're actually 1379 00:40:57,122 --> 00:40:58,436 affecting change 1380 00:40:58,437 --> 00:40:59,749 rather than just, 1381 00:40:59,874 --> 00:41:01,814 "we're gonna have 1382 00:41:01,815 --> 00:41:03,753 a 10k fun run for the cure. 1383 00:41:03,878 --> 00:41:05,297 "Come on down on Sunday. 1384 00:41:05,422 --> 00:41:06,757 It's a 10k fun run 1385 00:41:06,758 --> 00:41:08,091 for the cure." 1386 00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:09,884 Why? Why? 1387 00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:11,115 When has running 1388 00:41:11,116 --> 00:41:12,220 ever cured anything? 1389 00:41:12,345 --> 00:41:13,868 I don't understand the cause 1390 00:41:13,869 --> 00:41:15,390 and effect on this. 1391 00:41:15,514 --> 00:41:16,912 Is that how 1392 00:41:16,913 --> 00:41:18,310 Jonas salk cured polio, 1393 00:41:18,435 --> 00:41:19,811 is by speed-walking 1394 00:41:19,812 --> 00:41:21,187 around the track 1395 00:41:21,313 --> 00:41:23,544 down at St. Mary's high school 1396 00:41:23,545 --> 00:41:25,775 with a wife beater on 1397 00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:27,193 and a paper number 1398 00:41:27,194 --> 00:41:28,486 safety-pinned to his back? 1399 00:41:28,611 --> 00:41:29,612 "We're doing it 1400 00:41:29,613 --> 00:41:30,613 for the cure." 1401 00:41:30,738 --> 00:41:32,115 How are you curing anything? 1402 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:33,262 "Well, what I do 1403 00:41:33,263 --> 00:41:34,284 is I get sponsors. 1404 00:41:34,409 --> 00:41:35,702 "And every time I go around 1405 00:41:35,703 --> 00:41:36,995 the track another time, 1406 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:38,747 "my sponsor gives me another 1407 00:41:38,748 --> 00:41:40,373 quarter for the cure. 1408 00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:41,812 So I've got to go 1409 00:41:41,813 --> 00:41:43,126 as many times as I..." 1410 00:41:43,251 --> 00:41:45,212 Are your friends that sick 1411 00:41:45,213 --> 00:41:47,172 and sadomasochistic 1412 00:41:47,297 --> 00:41:48,653 that they wouldn't just 1413 00:41:48,654 --> 00:41:50,008 cut you a check outright 1414 00:41:50,133 --> 00:41:52,177 for the cure? 1415 00:41:52,302 --> 00:41:54,346 They make you do weird shit 1416 00:41:54,347 --> 00:41:56,389 first? 1417 00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,558 "Larry, you know my daughter 1418 00:41:58,559 --> 00:42:00,601 was born with cerebral palsy. 1419 00:42:00,726 --> 00:42:01,915 And we're trying to get a big 1420 00:42:01,916 --> 00:42:03,104 fundraiser going." 1421 00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:04,272 "Really?" 1422 00:42:04,273 --> 00:42:05,315 "Yeah. 1423 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,463 "How many hard-boiled eggs 1424 00:42:07,464 --> 00:42:09,486 will you eat? 1425 00:42:09,610 --> 00:42:11,446 - "Come on. - Come on. 1426 00:42:11,570 --> 00:42:12,905 You love your kid, right? 1427 00:42:12,906 --> 00:42:14,240 Come on." 1428 00:42:14,366 --> 00:42:15,826 No, they would cut you 1429 00:42:15,827 --> 00:42:17,285 a check outright, 1430 00:42:17,410 --> 00:42:18,494 but you're that much of 1431 00:42:18,495 --> 00:42:19,578 a fucking megalomaniac 1432 00:42:19,704 --> 00:42:20,851 that you have 1433 00:42:20,852 --> 00:42:21,998 to make the cure about you. 1434 00:42:22,123 --> 00:42:23,708 You need spotlight in this. 1435 00:42:23,833 --> 00:42:25,043 - You could just - get a check, 1436 00:42:25,168 --> 00:42:27,128 - But no one's gonna - fucking be, 1437 00:42:27,253 --> 00:42:28,671 "no. You know, the truth is, 1438 00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:30,089 I do this same speed walk 1439 00:42:30,215 --> 00:42:31,216 "at St. Mary's 1440 00:42:31,217 --> 00:42:32,217 every morning at 6:30 1441 00:42:32,342 --> 00:42:33,551 "before work 1442 00:42:33,552 --> 00:42:34,760 with my labrador, sheba. 1443 00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:36,637 - "Trying to shed a few pounds, - you know. 1444 00:42:36,762 --> 00:42:38,389 "But no one claps for me then 1445 00:42:38,390 --> 00:42:40,016 and calls me heroic. 1446 00:42:40,141 --> 00:42:42,381 - "So I'm gonna do it on Sunday - afternoon for the cure, 1447 00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:44,145 And everyone's gonna go, 1448 00:42:44,146 --> 00:42:45,855 'go, ray, go!'" 1449 00:42:45,980 --> 00:42:47,044 yeah, you could do it, 1450 00:42:47,045 --> 00:42:48,107 but you want to fucking... 1451 00:42:48,233 --> 00:42:50,756 It's a 10k fun run about you, 1452 00:42:50,757 --> 00:42:53,279 you fucking megalomaniac. 1453 00:42:53,405 --> 00:42:55,448 - Stop it. - You know you're not doing shit. 1454 00:42:55,573 --> 00:42:57,343 - You could just get the check - from your friend 1455 00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:58,687 - And then actually - do something 1456 00:42:58,784 --> 00:43:00,537 - That means something - other than running. 1457 00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:02,539 "We're getting donations, 1458 00:43:02,540 --> 00:43:04,416 and we're petitioning city hall 1459 00:43:04,541 --> 00:43:06,397 "for a spot in the park 1460 00:43:06,398 --> 00:43:08,253 to make a big, granite slab 1461 00:43:08,378 --> 00:43:09,921 - "for the victims - and the sufferers 1462 00:43:10,046 --> 00:43:11,672 - "and the survivors of - the thing. 1463 00:43:11,797 --> 00:43:13,320 "And then we're gonna 1464 00:43:13,321 --> 00:43:14,842 painstakingly etch each name 1465 00:43:14,967 --> 00:43:16,573 of the people into the stone 1466 00:43:16,574 --> 00:43:18,179 at great expense." 1467 00:43:18,304 --> 00:43:20,056 - For what? - It's a fucking chunk of rock. 1468 00:43:20,181 --> 00:43:21,474 It doesn't help. 1469 00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:23,079 - Put that time and effort - and money 1470 00:43:23,184 --> 00:43:24,477 Into actually something 1471 00:43:24,602 --> 00:43:26,521 - that's calculated - that actually helps. 1472 00:43:26,645 --> 00:43:27,813 "We're gonna knit 1473 00:43:27,814 --> 00:43:28,981 a SARS quilt. 1474 00:43:29,107 --> 00:43:31,526 "It's gonna take 1475 00:43:31,527 --> 00:43:33,945 all summer long. 1476 00:43:34,070 --> 00:43:35,988 - "'Cause there's people - with SARS, 1477 00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:38,259 - And they're chilly with SARS, - and they need a quilt." 1478 00:43:38,283 --> 00:43:39,367 What? 1479 00:43:39,492 --> 00:43:40,702 "We're gonna have 1480 00:43:40,703 --> 00:43:41,911 a prayer circle. 1481 00:43:42,036 --> 00:43:43,600 We're gonna have a candlelight 1482 00:43:43,601 --> 00:43:45,164 vigil at midnight." 1483 00:43:45,290 --> 00:43:47,167 Could you do less? 1484 00:43:47,168 --> 00:43:49,043 Mathematically. 1485 00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:50,316 Ask your accountant 1486 00:43:50,317 --> 00:43:51,463 if there's any way 1487 00:43:51,588 --> 00:43:53,361 you could do any less 1488 00:43:53,362 --> 00:43:55,133 than that. 1489 00:43:55,258 --> 00:43:56,405 "Well, we are raising 1490 00:43:56,406 --> 00:43:57,552 awareness." 1491 00:43:57,676 --> 00:43:59,533 Raising awareness is another 1492 00:43:59,534 --> 00:44:01,389 form of doing nothing. 1493 00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:03,203 Only now you're making me 1494 00:44:03,204 --> 00:44:04,892 aware that the nothing 1495 00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:06,248 that I've been doing 1496 00:44:06,249 --> 00:44:07,479 is not up to par 1497 00:44:07,604 --> 00:44:09,314 - with the nothing - that you're doing 1498 00:44:09,439 --> 00:44:12,525 For such a noble cause. 1499 00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:13,881 Why don't you do my nothing 1500 00:44:13,882 --> 00:44:15,111 for your cause? 1501 00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:16,717 We'll watch storage wars 1502 00:44:16,718 --> 00:44:18,197 for the cure, 1503 00:44:18,323 --> 00:44:21,347 and then we'll both be happy 1504 00:44:21,348 --> 00:44:24,370 in our impotence. 1505 00:44:24,496 --> 00:44:26,727 And we'll find out 1506 00:44:26,728 --> 00:44:28,958 what's in that safe. 1507 00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:30,585 We all win. 1508 00:44:30,709 --> 00:44:32,962 Raising awareness is me standing 1509 00:44:32,963 --> 00:44:35,214 next to a drainage ditch 1510 00:44:35,340 --> 00:44:37,550 where a guy just hit a goat 1511 00:44:37,551 --> 00:44:39,760 with his moped on the highway. 1512 00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:41,165 - And now - they're in the ditch, 1513 00:44:41,262 --> 00:44:42,868 Laying in the muck 1514 00:44:42,869 --> 00:44:44,474 with compound fractures. 1515 00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:46,038 And the dude's got a bone 1516 00:44:46,039 --> 00:44:47,477 sticking through his leg. 1517 00:44:47,602 --> 00:44:49,041 And the fucking goat's got 1518 00:44:49,042 --> 00:44:50,480 a bone sticking through his fur. 1519 00:44:50,605 --> 00:44:51,627 They're both laying there 1520 00:44:51,628 --> 00:44:52,649 in agony. 1521 00:44:52,773 --> 00:44:54,713 And I'm raising awareness 1522 00:44:54,714 --> 00:44:56,653 by standing above them, 1523 00:44:56,777 --> 00:45:02,158 shouting down an empty highway, 1524 00:45:02,159 --> 00:45:07,539 "look! Look! Eww! 1525 00:45:07,664 --> 00:45:11,125 Eww, look. Ooh." 1526 00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:12,356 And they're going, 1527 00:45:12,357 --> 00:45:13,461 "no, help." 1528 00:45:13,586 --> 00:45:15,317 And I'm going, 1529 00:45:15,318 --> 00:45:17,048 "no, no, no. Look!" 1530 00:45:17,173 --> 00:45:19,050 It's way easier 1531 00:45:19,051 --> 00:45:20,926 to just look. 1532 00:45:21,052 --> 00:45:23,221 Are you aware 1533 00:45:23,222 --> 00:45:25,390 of breast cancer? 1534 00:45:25,515 --> 00:45:26,558 Fucking the entire month 1535 00:45:26,559 --> 00:45:27,600 of October 1536 00:45:27,724 --> 00:45:29,561 - is breast cancer - awareness month. 1537 00:45:29,686 --> 00:45:31,605 The entire country turns pink 1538 00:45:31,606 --> 00:45:33,523 so you can't not be aware. 1539 00:45:33,648 --> 00:45:35,004 All your products, 1540 00:45:35,005 --> 00:45:36,359 you go to the grocery store. 1541 00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:37,694 "Usually I buy 1542 00:45:37,695 --> 00:45:38,903 the progresso soup. 1543 00:45:39,028 --> 00:45:41,382 - "But this month, I'm gonna get - the one with the pink ribbon, 1544 00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:43,512 "so I know that I've done 1545 00:45:43,513 --> 00:45:45,618 all I can to help my fellow man. 1546 00:45:45,742 --> 00:45:46,973 "I don't read the fine print 1547 00:45:46,974 --> 00:45:48,204 that says, 1548 00:45:48,329 --> 00:45:53,292 ".000001 cents of every can 1549 00:45:53,418 --> 00:45:54,836 up to a very minimal amount 1550 00:45:54,837 --> 00:45:56,254 goes to..." 1551 00:45:56,379 --> 00:45:58,006 it actually goes nowhere 1552 00:45:58,007 --> 00:45:59,632 near a titty, ever, at all. 1553 00:45:59,756 --> 00:46:01,235 - It goes to more - promotional material 1554 00:46:01,259 --> 00:46:02,885 Asking for more money 1555 00:46:03,010 --> 00:46:04,574 and to give 1556 00:46:04,575 --> 00:46:06,138 very dubious medical advice 1557 00:46:06,264 --> 00:46:07,640 where a lot of titties get 1558 00:46:07,641 --> 00:46:09,016 chopped off that didn't need to 1559 00:46:09,141 --> 00:46:10,994 - because we're an industry, - not a charity anymore. 1560 00:46:11,018 --> 00:46:12,604 I don't read that part. 1561 00:46:12,729 --> 00:46:14,293 I just see the pink ribbon 1562 00:46:14,294 --> 00:46:15,856 and know that I'm helping. 1563 00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:20,403 You've destroyed 1564 00:46:20,404 --> 00:46:21,904 the color pink. 1565 00:46:22,029 --> 00:46:23,573 There's no need for that. 1566 00:46:23,698 --> 00:46:25,179 I like the color pink, 1567 00:46:25,180 --> 00:46:26,659 and you've ruined it. 1568 00:46:26,783 --> 00:46:28,679 - You see pink, that's all - you can think about. 1569 00:46:28,703 --> 00:46:29,725 I have a pink bedroom. 1570 00:46:29,726 --> 00:46:30,747 My bedroom is pink. 1571 00:46:30,871 --> 00:46:32,749 - I can't sleep in it - during October 1572 00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:35,154 - 'cause you just see the color, - and all you think about 1573 00:46:35,251 --> 00:46:36,315 Is giant, 1574 00:46:36,316 --> 00:46:37,378 metastasizing titties 1575 00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:39,026 sucking the life 1576 00:46:39,027 --> 00:46:40,548 out of some poor woman. 1577 00:46:40,673 --> 00:46:42,634 Why do you fuck up a color? 1578 00:46:42,759 --> 00:46:44,052 Associate it with something else 1579 00:46:44,053 --> 00:46:45,344 that's negative. 1580 00:46:45,470 --> 00:46:47,114 - You know, "traffic and weather - brought to you 1581 00:46:47,138 --> 00:46:48,493 "at the top of the hour 1582 00:46:48,494 --> 00:46:49,848 on fucking 620 am. 1583 00:46:49,974 --> 00:46:51,517 "Hey, traffic sucks again. 1584 00:46:51,643 --> 00:46:53,040 This is brought to you 1585 00:46:53,041 --> 00:46:54,437 by breast cancer." 1586 00:46:54,562 --> 00:46:56,540 - And that way, next time - you're stuck in traffic, 1587 00:46:56,564 --> 00:46:57,774 You go, "wow. Fuck. 1588 00:46:57,898 --> 00:46:59,734 - "This sucks, - but not as bad as cancer. 1589 00:46:59,858 --> 00:47:01,986 Maybe I should try to help." 1590 00:47:02,111 --> 00:47:03,655 Don't fuck up a color. 1591 00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:05,239 Do you watch football? 1592 00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:06,470 This is where 1593 00:47:06,471 --> 00:47:07,575 it went too far with me. 1594 00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:09,098 The national football league 1595 00:47:09,099 --> 00:47:10,495 participates 1596 00:47:10,620 --> 00:47:11,767 in breast cancer 1597 00:47:11,768 --> 00:47:12,913 awareness month. 1598 00:47:13,038 --> 00:47:14,373 First of all, why is it 1599 00:47:14,374 --> 00:47:15,708 breast cancer awareness month 1600 00:47:15,832 --> 00:47:17,668 rather than 1601 00:47:17,669 --> 00:47:19,504 cancer awareness month? 1602 00:47:19,629 --> 00:47:20,838 I assume if you cure 1603 00:47:20,839 --> 00:47:22,047 breast cancer, 1604 00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:24,071 that would cure ass cancer 1605 00:47:24,072 --> 00:47:25,968 and face cancer and shit cancer. 1606 00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:28,262 It's cancer. 1607 00:47:28,387 --> 00:47:29,805 'Cause titties sell tickets, 1608 00:47:29,806 --> 00:47:31,223 stupid! 1609 00:47:31,349 --> 00:47:33,225 - Okay, I forget - the marketing angle. 1610 00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:34,811 Maybe you're right on that. 1611 00:47:34,935 --> 00:47:37,209 Still, the national 1612 00:47:37,210 --> 00:47:39,482 football league participates 1613 00:47:39,607 --> 00:47:41,046 with the pink gloves 1614 00:47:41,047 --> 00:47:42,485 and just pink on the players. 1615 00:47:42,610 --> 00:47:44,717 Where if you think football 1616 00:47:44,718 --> 00:47:46,823 is stupid, you're right. 1617 00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:49,575 But it's my stupid. 1618 00:47:49,701 --> 00:47:51,369 You have your stupid. 1619 00:47:51,494 --> 00:47:53,079 You can judge me in sports. 1620 00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:54,664 You have your own stupid. 1621 00:47:54,789 --> 00:47:56,541 You play world of warcraft 1622 00:47:56,666 --> 00:47:57,709 or you do 1623 00:47:57,710 --> 00:47:58,751 renaissance festivals 1624 00:47:58,875 --> 00:48:00,211 or you fucking win 1625 00:48:00,336 --> 00:48:01,650 Brian Doyle Murray 1626 00:48:01,651 --> 00:48:02,963 look-alike competitions 1627 00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:06,425 or fucking do... 1628 00:48:06,551 --> 00:48:08,845 You grow organic apples 1629 00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:10,346 and sell them 1630 00:48:10,347 --> 00:48:11,723 at the farmer's market. 1631 00:48:11,848 --> 00:48:14,017 You learn how to speak Italian 1632 00:48:14,018 --> 00:48:16,185 on the rosetta stone 1633 00:48:16,310 --> 00:48:17,311 so one day you can 1634 00:48:17,312 --> 00:48:18,312 impress your friends 1635 00:48:18,437 --> 00:48:19,480 by ordering in Italian 1636 00:48:19,481 --> 00:48:20,523 at a restaurant 1637 00:48:20,648 --> 00:48:23,084 - and the fucking waiter at - olive garden looks at you going, 1638 00:48:23,108 --> 00:48:24,547 'i don't know 1639 00:48:24,548 --> 00:48:25,986 what you're saying, dude." 1640 00:48:26,111 --> 00:48:27,426 Whatever you do, 1641 00:48:27,427 --> 00:48:28,740 football is my stupid. 1642 00:48:28,865 --> 00:48:30,805 That's what I do for 1643 00:48:30,806 --> 00:48:32,744 a few hours on a weekend 1644 00:48:32,869 --> 00:48:34,704 in the fall to forget 1645 00:48:34,705 --> 00:48:36,539 how much I hate myself. 1646 00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:38,187 I don't want to think about 1647 00:48:38,188 --> 00:48:39,709 breast cancer 1648 00:48:39,834 --> 00:48:41,982 while I'm watching football 1649 00:48:41,983 --> 00:48:44,129 to get away from this. 1650 00:48:44,255 --> 00:48:45,423 It's hard enough to watch 1651 00:48:45,424 --> 00:48:46,591 football as it is, 1652 00:48:46,716 --> 00:48:48,008 if you're a fan, 1653 00:48:48,133 --> 00:48:49,551 without constantly 1654 00:48:49,552 --> 00:48:50,969 thinking about aids. 1655 00:48:51,095 --> 00:48:52,409 You have to push that 1656 00:48:52,410 --> 00:48:53,723 out of your head. 1657 00:48:53,848 --> 00:48:55,287 Inherently, if you're 1658 00:48:55,288 --> 00:48:56,726 a fan of the game, 1659 00:48:56,851 --> 00:48:58,561 with the technology 1660 00:48:58,562 --> 00:49:00,271 that they have now, 1661 00:49:00,396 --> 00:49:01,793 you watch Monday night 1662 00:49:01,794 --> 00:49:03,190 football or super bowl, 1663 00:49:03,315 --> 00:49:04,859 they have cameras now 1664 00:49:04,860 --> 00:49:06,402 that come down on cables 1665 00:49:06,527 --> 00:49:07,924 right over the field, like 1666 00:49:07,925 --> 00:49:09,321 right over the players' heads, 1667 00:49:09,447 --> 00:49:11,490 almost touching them. 1668 00:49:11,616 --> 00:49:13,451 You have 60 inches 1669 00:49:13,452 --> 00:49:15,286 of high definition. 1670 00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:18,519 You have a camera panning around 1671 00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:21,626 11 men bent up in a huddle, 1672 00:49:21,751 --> 00:49:24,254 presenting these beautiful, 1673 00:49:24,255 --> 00:49:26,756 thick man-asses. 1674 00:49:26,881 --> 00:49:28,320 And it's zooming in 1675 00:49:28,321 --> 00:49:29,759 on each one. 1676 00:49:29,884 --> 00:49:31,990 And it creates this Bangkok 1677 00:49:31,991 --> 00:49:34,096 whorehouse scenario 1678 00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:35,514 in your brain. 1679 00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,600 - You feel a little tuggle - in your sweatpants. 1680 00:49:37,725 --> 00:49:39,184 And you're like," 1681 00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:40,749 what if they were 1682 00:49:40,750 --> 00:49:42,187 behind glass in Phuket?" 1683 00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:44,440 Which one would I select for 1684 00:49:44,441 --> 00:49:46,567 my evening's entertainment 1685 00:49:46,692 --> 00:49:48,532 - from the Cambodian guy - that runs the place, 1686 00:49:48,653 --> 00:49:49,904 And he's got an eye patch. 1687 00:49:50,028 --> 00:49:51,781 - And I go, - "ching dai Bo dah!" 1688 00:49:51,906 --> 00:49:53,053 And he pulls the guy out. 1689 00:49:53,054 --> 00:49:54,199 Number 28. 1690 00:49:54,325 --> 00:49:55,827 - I haven't even seen - all the guys, 1691 00:49:55,952 --> 00:49:57,912 And I impulse-buy on 28. 1692 00:49:58,036 --> 00:50:00,769 He's a halfback with these 1693 00:50:00,770 --> 00:50:03,501 sinewy horse haunches, 1694 00:50:03,626 --> 00:50:04,669 leaning into me, 1695 00:50:04,670 --> 00:50:05,711 and in my mind, 1696 00:50:05,837 --> 00:50:07,046 before I can make 1697 00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:08,255 a rational decision, 1698 00:50:08,380 --> 00:50:09,736 I've already leaped over 1699 00:50:09,737 --> 00:50:11,091 the railing at the field. 1700 00:50:11,216 --> 00:50:12,676 I'm streaking butt-naked 1701 00:50:12,677 --> 00:50:14,136 across the field, 1702 00:50:14,261 --> 00:50:16,055 wearing nothing but a... 1703 00:50:16,056 --> 00:50:17,849 Wearing an 1800s nightcap 1704 00:50:17,974 --> 00:50:19,183 that's striped 1705 00:50:19,184 --> 00:50:20,392 with a pom-pom. 1706 00:50:20,518 --> 00:50:21,811 I don't know why that. 1707 00:50:21,936 --> 00:50:23,187 But I'm wearing flip-flops 1708 00:50:23,312 --> 00:50:24,897 - 'cause they make you - run funnier. 1709 00:50:25,021 --> 00:50:26,169 But my dick is slapping 1710 00:50:26,170 --> 00:50:27,316 up and down 1711 00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:28,860 against my belly. 1712 00:50:28,985 --> 00:50:30,545 - You make you dick however big - you want it to be. 1713 00:50:30,569 --> 00:50:31,779 It's your fantasy. 1714 00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:33,155 Have your dick slapping 1715 00:50:33,156 --> 00:50:34,406 your chest. 1716 00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:36,927 - Have your dick take a tooth out - on the way to the huddle. 1717 00:50:36,951 --> 00:50:38,327 It doesn't matter. 1718 00:50:38,452 --> 00:50:40,225 Just get to 28 1719 00:50:40,226 --> 00:50:41,998 and yank him out of the huddle 1720 00:50:42,122 --> 00:50:44,458 and pin him to the ground. 1721 00:50:44,583 --> 00:50:46,210 - Hold him down - with one elbow. 1722 00:50:46,335 --> 00:50:47,503 Peel those... 1723 00:50:47,628 --> 00:50:48,981 - They wear - these little lycra pants. 1724 00:50:49,005 --> 00:50:50,152 They're so 1725 00:50:50,153 --> 00:50:51,298 fucking gorgeous. 1726 00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:52,946 And you just peel them 1727 00:50:52,947 --> 00:50:54,468 off him. And he's sweaty. 1728 00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:56,428 They're just going to slide off 1729 00:50:56,429 --> 00:50:58,263 like a wet band-aid. 1730 00:50:58,389 --> 00:51:00,140 - Don't fuck - with the jockstrap. 1731 00:51:00,265 --> 00:51:02,184 - It's no obstacle - to the asshole. 1732 00:51:02,309 --> 00:51:03,895 You'll waste your time. 1733 00:51:04,020 --> 00:51:05,270 Plus, the little straps 1734 00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:06,981 keep the ass cheek up 1735 00:51:06,982 --> 00:51:08,566 and focused. 1736 00:51:08,691 --> 00:51:11,903 Steam comes off his ass. 1737 00:51:12,028 --> 00:51:13,195 Get your face in there. 1738 00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:14,780 You huff that steam. 1739 00:51:14,906 --> 00:51:17,575 You huff it like a gassy rag. 1740 00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,368 Inhale his essence. 1741 00:51:19,493 --> 00:51:20,766 And you peel 1742 00:51:20,767 --> 00:51:22,038 those ass cheeks apart 1743 00:51:22,162 --> 00:51:23,497 with your thumbnails 1744 00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:26,000 like your cracking a cage-free, 1745 00:51:26,001 --> 00:51:28,377 farm-fresh egg. 1746 00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:30,922 And you take your dick. 1747 00:51:31,047 --> 00:51:32,152 Don't stab him 1748 00:51:32,153 --> 00:51:33,257 with it right away. 1749 00:51:33,382 --> 00:51:34,758 Tease him with it. 1750 00:51:34,759 --> 00:51:36,134 Here we go. 1751 00:51:36,260 --> 00:51:38,742 In and up, 1752 00:51:38,743 --> 00:51:41,223 asshole to tailbone, people. 1753 00:51:41,348 --> 00:51:44,226 Asshole to tailbone. 1754 00:51:44,351 --> 00:51:45,519 Watch him struggle. 1755 00:51:45,644 --> 00:51:47,103 He knows it's gonna happen. 1756 00:51:47,229 --> 00:51:48,647 He doesn't know when. 1757 00:51:50,190 --> 00:51:52,443 Asshole to tailbone. 1758 00:51:52,568 --> 00:51:53,590 Pull on his face mask 1759 00:51:53,591 --> 00:51:54,612 a bit. 1760 00:51:54,737 --> 00:51:56,072 Twist his neck. 1761 00:51:56,196 --> 00:51:59,533 Pull on his dreadlocks. 1762 00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:00,993 And these are not 1763 00:52:01,117 --> 00:52:02,453 occupy wall street dreadlocks, 1764 00:52:02,454 --> 00:52:03,788 by the way. 1765 00:52:03,913 --> 00:52:05,414 This is a black dude. 1766 00:52:05,539 --> 00:52:07,332 This is straight up racism. 1767 00:52:07,458 --> 00:52:09,001 This is a hate crime. 1768 00:52:09,125 --> 00:52:12,233 Because you are pretty sure 1769 00:52:12,234 --> 00:52:15,340 that your ex-wife 1770 00:52:15,466 --> 00:52:16,509 used to fantasize 1771 00:52:16,510 --> 00:52:17,551 about this guy 1772 00:52:17,676 --> 00:52:19,261 doing similar shit to her. 1773 00:52:19,386 --> 00:52:21,346 - You knew it. - Yeah. 1774 00:52:21,472 --> 00:52:22,741 - You want to do that - to my wife? 1775 00:52:22,765 --> 00:52:24,391 - You'll never get - a thicker boner 1776 00:52:24,516 --> 00:52:26,185 Than that angry, 1777 00:52:26,186 --> 00:52:27,853 racist, jealousy boner. 1778 00:52:27,979 --> 00:52:29,563 - Veins are coming - out of the head, 1779 00:52:29,688 --> 00:52:31,023 - And nothing - makes you crazier 1780 00:52:31,147 --> 00:52:32,775 - Than when you - get that boner 1781 00:52:32,900 --> 00:52:34,777 And you just jam it in him 1782 00:52:34,778 --> 00:52:36,654 like a fat salamander 1783 00:52:36,779 --> 00:52:37,822 and you ride. 1784 00:52:37,947 --> 00:52:38,990 You do that porn angle, 1785 00:52:39,115 --> 00:52:40,783 - where you - bend your dick down 1786 00:52:40,908 --> 00:52:42,243 And do deep knee bends so you 1787 00:52:42,244 --> 00:52:43,577 can look at the people. 1788 00:52:43,702 --> 00:52:45,933 You have... 55,000 people 1789 00:52:45,934 --> 00:52:48,164 are now out of their chairs, 1790 00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:49,563 on their feet, 1791 00:52:49,564 --> 00:52:50,835 chanting for you. 1792 00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,419 They love you. 1793 00:52:52,544 --> 00:52:54,421 They're like, "fuck that guy! 1794 00:52:54,422 --> 00:52:56,298 Fuck that guy!" 1795 00:52:56,423 --> 00:52:58,050 This is his home field, 1796 00:52:58,174 --> 00:53:00,136 - and they're on your side, - all of a sudden. 1797 00:53:00,260 --> 00:53:01,554 "Fuck that dude, yeah!" 1798 00:53:01,555 --> 00:53:02,847 They're spilling beer. 1799 00:53:02,972 --> 00:53:04,390 You feel the rubber 1800 00:53:04,391 --> 00:53:05,808 start to slide off of you, 1801 00:53:05,933 --> 00:53:07,225 but you don't give a shit. 1802 00:53:07,351 --> 00:53:08,769 This is my day. 1803 00:53:08,894 --> 00:53:10,729 They love me. 1804 00:53:10,855 --> 00:53:12,127 I'm going to launch 1805 00:53:12,128 --> 00:53:13,398 rainbows of cum 1806 00:53:13,524 --> 00:53:15,442 - into this broken - motherfucker. 1807 00:53:15,567 --> 00:53:17,028 And you do. 1808 00:53:17,153 --> 00:53:19,195 - You're not even done coming - when you pull out. 1809 00:53:19,321 --> 00:53:20,427 Your dick's just 1810 00:53:20,428 --> 00:53:21,532 still fire-hosing, 1811 00:53:21,657 --> 00:53:23,450 swaying back and forth, 1812 00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:25,077 getting rid of the last 1813 00:53:25,078 --> 00:53:26,578 of the spurts. 1814 00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:28,310 And you have an end zone 1815 00:53:28,311 --> 00:53:29,915 celebration dance 1816 00:53:30,041 --> 00:53:32,393 - that you've worked out in - the hallway mirror all season. 1817 00:53:32,417 --> 00:53:34,190 Little old-school 1818 00:53:34,191 --> 00:53:35,963 ickey shuffle thing. 1819 00:53:36,088 --> 00:53:37,548 And you spike the ball 1820 00:53:37,549 --> 00:53:39,008 right next to his head. 1821 00:53:39,133 --> 00:53:40,822 He's blubbering, like, 1822 00:53:40,823 --> 00:53:42,511 snot bubbles, and crying. 1823 00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:43,783 He's not even making 1824 00:53:43,784 --> 00:53:44,930 an attempt to get up. 1825 00:53:45,056 --> 00:53:47,538 His asshole is still dilated 1826 00:53:47,539 --> 00:53:50,019 and spasming. 1827 00:53:50,144 --> 00:53:53,251 His asshole is winking 1828 00:53:53,252 --> 00:53:56,358 like a cyclops in a rainstorm, 1829 00:53:56,483 --> 00:54:00,133 just trying to regain 1830 00:54:00,134 --> 00:54:03,782 its original shape. 1831 00:54:03,908 --> 00:54:06,056 One milky tear 1832 00:54:06,057 --> 00:54:08,204 is dripping down the taint. 1833 00:54:08,328 --> 00:54:11,123 It's crying for you. 1834 00:54:14,459 --> 00:54:16,775 And you float out of this 1835 00:54:16,776 --> 00:54:19,090 perfect Sunday afternoon 1836 00:54:19,215 --> 00:54:21,801 and this perfect daydream, 1837 00:54:21,802 --> 00:54:24,386 back into the stark reality of, 1838 00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:26,492 it's just you with some bloated, 1839 00:54:26,493 --> 00:54:28,473 post middle-age dude with... 1840 00:54:28,599 --> 00:54:30,705 You've got lumps of yellowed 1841 00:54:30,706 --> 00:54:32,811 gummy cum in your gut hair. 1842 00:54:32,937 --> 00:54:34,146 And you look around. 1843 00:54:34,270 --> 00:54:37,232 You feel immediate remorse 1844 00:54:37,233 --> 00:54:40,194 and shame. 1845 00:54:40,318 --> 00:54:43,697 I let the rubber come off 1846 00:54:43,698 --> 00:54:47,076 inside of that guy. 1847 00:54:47,201 --> 00:54:50,204 How irresponsible is that, 1848 00:54:50,205 --> 00:54:53,207 knowing what we know today, 1849 00:54:53,331 --> 00:54:54,646 to just bareback fuck 1850 00:54:54,647 --> 00:54:55,960 a guy. 1851 00:54:56,085 --> 00:54:57,190 I don't know 1852 00:54:57,191 --> 00:54:58,294 where that guy's been. 1853 00:54:58,420 --> 00:54:59,818 I know where he's going. 1854 00:54:59,819 --> 00:55:01,215 He's going into free agency. 1855 00:55:01,339 --> 00:55:02,633 He's fucking 32 now. 1856 00:55:02,634 --> 00:55:03,926 He's got shit knees. 1857 00:55:04,051 --> 00:55:05,553 He's lucky if he's warming 1858 00:55:05,554 --> 00:55:07,054 a bench in Jacksonville. 1859 00:55:07,179 --> 00:55:08,889 - But I don't know - where he's been. 1860 00:55:09,014 --> 00:55:10,766 - To just bareback fuck - the guy. 1861 00:55:10,891 --> 00:55:13,561 I could have fantasy aids 1862 00:55:13,562 --> 00:55:16,230 as we speak, 1863 00:55:16,354 --> 00:55:20,276 and I'm gonna do it again. 1864 00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:21,777 And as you're dealing with this, 1865 00:55:21,778 --> 00:55:23,154 you want to escape. 1866 00:55:23,279 --> 00:55:24,989 - You look at the TV. - Pink shoes. 1867 00:55:25,114 --> 00:55:27,116 I have to think about breast 1868 00:55:27,117 --> 00:55:29,118 cancer on top of this problem? 1869 00:55:29,243 --> 00:55:32,392 You're ruining the integrity 1870 00:55:32,393 --> 00:55:35,540 of the game, breast cancer. 1871 00:55:35,666 --> 00:55:38,606 This is what we do 1872 00:55:38,607 --> 00:55:41,546 on Sundays to forget 1873 00:55:41,672 --> 00:55:43,153 how much 1874 00:55:43,154 --> 00:55:44,633 we hate ourselves. 1875 00:55:49,263 --> 00:55:52,557 And I don't... 1876 00:55:52,683 --> 00:55:55,290 I hope I didn't ruffle 1877 00:55:55,291 --> 00:55:57,896 any feathers. 1878 00:55:58,022 --> 00:56:00,754 But as an openly gay comedian, 1879 00:56:00,755 --> 00:56:03,485 I feel a responsibility 1880 00:56:03,610 --> 00:56:05,321 to talk about a lot 1881 00:56:05,322 --> 00:56:07,031 of issues that... 1882 00:56:07,156 --> 00:56:09,054 What, 1883 00:56:09,055 --> 00:56:10,951 are you gonna test me? 1884 00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:12,316 - You don't know - if I'm lying. 1885 00:56:12,410 --> 00:56:13,847 - I can be as gay - as I want to be up here. 1886 00:56:13,871 --> 00:56:15,164 Fuck you. 1887 00:56:15,289 --> 00:56:16,969 - What, are you gonna - strap me to a chair 1888 00:56:16,999 --> 00:56:18,605 And blow loads in my face 1889 00:56:18,606 --> 00:56:20,211 to see if I'm fibbing 1890 00:56:20,336 --> 00:56:22,754 when I say I love it? 1891 00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:24,756 I'm gay if it fucking... 1892 00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:26,342 If it needs to be, I'm gay, 1893 00:56:26,343 --> 00:56:27,801 I'm fucking gay. 1894 00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:29,261 And you should be gay as... 1895 00:56:29,385 --> 00:56:30,491 I come out of the closet 1896 00:56:30,492 --> 00:56:31,596 all the time. 1897 00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:33,349 It's something fun for me. 1898 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:34,933 Do it all the time. 1899 00:56:35,059 --> 00:56:36,661 - I'm not saying lie - to your friends and family 1900 00:56:36,685 --> 00:56:38,478 Or lead a fake life. 1901 00:56:38,603 --> 00:56:39,646 But if you're just in some 1902 00:56:39,647 --> 00:56:40,689 bullshit social situation 1903 00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:42,378 around people you don't know, 1904 00:56:42,379 --> 00:56:43,942 if you can drop the errant, 1905 00:56:44,068 --> 00:56:45,111 "I'm gay" 1906 00:56:45,112 --> 00:56:46,153 in a conversation, 1907 00:56:46,278 --> 00:56:47,946 not revelatory, like, 1908 00:56:47,947 --> 00:56:49,614 "I have to tell you." 1909 00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:51,533 Just drop it as an aside. 1910 00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:52,701 "Is it just you and your 1911 00:56:52,702 --> 00:56:53,744 girlfriend for breakfast?" 1912 00:56:53,869 --> 00:56:55,120 - "That's not - my girlfriend. 1913 00:56:55,246 --> 00:56:56,723 - "I'm gay, - but it's just two of us. 1914 00:56:56,747 --> 00:56:58,040 Is it a buffet or can I 1915 00:56:58,041 --> 00:56:59,333 order off the menu?" 1916 00:56:59,457 --> 00:57:00,813 Just drop in, just, 1917 00:57:00,814 --> 00:57:02,169 if everyone was just someone... 1918 00:57:02,294 --> 00:57:03,921 - I guess - they're just gay. 1919 00:57:04,046 --> 00:57:05,463 'Cause here's the thing. 1920 00:57:05,589 --> 00:57:07,841 I love homosexuality. 1921 00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:09,718 I defend it. 1922 00:57:09,843 --> 00:57:11,636 But I hate fagginess 1923 00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:13,014 because it's aesthetically 1924 00:57:13,015 --> 00:57:14,265 unpleasing. 1925 00:57:14,390 --> 00:57:15,391 The whole 1926 00:57:15,392 --> 00:57:16,392 "la la la la la" shiny. 1927 00:57:16,516 --> 00:57:18,476 You don't have to do that. 1928 00:57:18,602 --> 00:57:19,811 It's the same... 1929 00:57:19,937 --> 00:57:20,938 I have nothing 1930 00:57:20,939 --> 00:57:21,939 against Jewish people. 1931 00:57:22,064 --> 00:57:23,774 I hate jewiness. 1932 00:57:23,899 --> 00:57:25,776 The clammy, "nyah, nyah, nyah. 1933 00:57:25,777 --> 00:57:27,652 I get all... I'm allergic." 1934 00:57:27,778 --> 00:57:29,321 Personally, 1935 00:57:29,322 --> 00:57:30,864 that's unpleasing. 1936 00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:32,137 I hate anyone who leads 1937 00:57:32,138 --> 00:57:33,284 with their sexuality, 1938 00:57:33,409 --> 00:57:34,952 homo or hetero. 1939 00:57:35,077 --> 00:57:36,661 If I know your sexuality 1940 00:57:36,787 --> 00:57:38,431 - in the first 30 seconds - of meeting you, 1941 00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,249 You're fucking annoying. 1942 00:57:40,374 --> 00:57:42,251 Heteros are the same way. 1943 00:57:42,376 --> 00:57:43,794 If you have naked lady 1944 00:57:43,795 --> 00:57:45,212 mud flaps or you go, 1945 00:57:45,337 --> 00:57:46,526 "after your show, 1946 00:57:46,527 --> 00:57:47,714 you want to go to Hooters?" 1947 00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:48,966 Or you just watch the game 1948 00:57:48,967 --> 00:57:50,092 for the cheerleaders. 1949 00:57:50,217 --> 00:57:52,136 - Just go into a basement - and jerk off, 1950 00:57:52,261 --> 00:57:54,179 - You fucking teenager, - 13-year-old, 1951 00:57:54,305 --> 00:57:55,702 And then come back when we can 1952 00:57:55,703 --> 00:57:57,099 have a regular conversation. 1953 00:57:57,224 --> 00:57:58,683 So, it's not... 1954 00:57:58,809 --> 00:57:59,831 That's why I like to come 1955 00:57:59,832 --> 00:58:00,852 out of the closet 1956 00:58:00,978 --> 00:58:02,896 as just a normal dude. 1957 00:58:03,021 --> 00:58:04,231 A guy on the plane going, 1958 00:58:04,232 --> 00:58:05,441 "yeah, I remember 1959 00:58:05,565 --> 00:58:07,276 - "when stewardesses - used to be hot. 1960 00:58:07,401 --> 00:58:08,860 Now they're all fat." 1961 00:58:08,986 --> 00:58:10,988 - And you go, "yeah. - I'm right with you, buddy. 1962 00:58:11,113 --> 00:58:12,219 "I fucking... thank Christ 1963 00:58:12,220 --> 00:58:13,324 I'm queer, 1964 00:58:13,449 --> 00:58:14,679 'cause they are 1965 00:58:14,680 --> 00:58:15,909 fat as shit." 1966 00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:17,661 But just because maybe 1967 00:58:17,662 --> 00:58:19,288 somewhere around you, 1968 00:58:19,413 --> 00:58:20,873 when you just drop a normal 1969 00:58:20,874 --> 00:58:22,333 "I'm gay" in a conversation, 1970 00:58:22,458 --> 00:58:24,293 there is an adolescent kid 1971 00:58:24,294 --> 00:58:26,128 who's just coming to terms 1972 00:58:26,253 --> 00:58:27,838 with the fact that he's gay, 1973 00:58:27,839 --> 00:58:29,423 and he's fucking terrified, 1974 00:58:29,547 --> 00:58:31,049 not only of just being gay. 1975 00:58:31,175 --> 00:58:32,843 - Maybe he thinks - he has to be 1976 00:58:32,968 --> 00:58:34,157 "jump out of the cake 1977 00:58:34,158 --> 00:58:35,346 and ride a fucking float, 1978 00:58:35,471 --> 00:58:36,806 assless chaps, 1979 00:58:36,807 --> 00:58:38,140 ice capades" gay. 1980 00:58:38,265 --> 00:58:39,725 And he hears you say it just 1981 00:58:39,726 --> 00:58:41,185 like a normal dude, "I'm gay." 1982 00:58:41,310 --> 00:58:42,560 - And he goes, - "I can do that. 1983 00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:44,104 "I can be just regular 1984 00:58:44,105 --> 00:58:45,522 Anderson Cooper, 1985 00:58:45,647 --> 00:58:47,483 Todd glass, 1986 00:58:47,484 --> 00:58:49,318 Joel osteen faggot." 1987 00:58:49,443 --> 00:58:53,364 And you give them courage. 1988 00:58:53,489 --> 00:58:55,950 And it's in the supreme court 1989 00:58:55,951 --> 00:58:58,410 now for gay marriage. 1990 00:58:58,535 --> 00:59:00,787 And I hope you get it. 1991 00:59:00,912 --> 00:59:03,895 Get the right to marry, 1992 00:59:03,896 --> 00:59:06,877 and then don't. 1993 00:59:07,002 --> 00:59:09,025 It's important 1994 00:59:09,026 --> 00:59:11,048 to get the right, 1995 00:59:11,173 --> 00:59:12,924 not just symbolically, 1996 00:59:13,050 --> 00:59:14,677 but sometimes you have to be 1997 00:59:14,678 --> 00:59:16,303 married to game the system. 1998 00:59:16,428 --> 00:59:18,365 - You need the insurance. - You need the inheritance. 1999 00:59:18,389 --> 00:59:20,015 You need to pull the plug. 2000 00:59:20,140 --> 00:59:22,017 Maybe you just need to get 2001 00:59:22,018 --> 00:59:23,894 someone cool into the country. 2002 00:59:24,019 --> 00:59:25,729 So you need it for that. 2003 00:59:25,854 --> 00:59:27,523 - But don't - if you don't have to. 2004 00:59:27,647 --> 00:59:28,711 It's kind of like 2005 00:59:28,712 --> 00:59:29,774 the civil rights movement, 2006 00:59:29,900 --> 00:59:31,172 where black people 2007 00:59:31,173 --> 00:59:32,444 had to fight for the right 2008 00:59:32,569 --> 00:59:34,530 - to eat - at the same lunch counter. 2009 00:59:34,654 --> 00:59:36,281 Once you won that right, 2010 00:59:36,282 --> 00:59:37,908 I hope you didn't. 2011 00:59:38,033 --> 00:59:40,160 Guy's a fucking racist. 2012 00:59:40,285 --> 00:59:41,370 Why would you support 2013 00:59:41,371 --> 00:59:42,454 his business 2014 00:59:42,579 --> 00:59:43,747 unless you're just trying 2015 00:59:43,748 --> 00:59:44,915 to fuck with him 2016 00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:46,809 - and show up just 'cause - he doesn't want you? 2017 00:59:46,833 --> 00:59:48,293 Which I understand, 2018 00:59:48,419 --> 00:59:49,712 and maybe that's where 2019 00:59:49,713 --> 00:59:51,004 you started not tipping. 2020 00:59:51,129 --> 00:59:53,006 If so, every tradition 2021 00:59:53,007 --> 00:59:54,883 has to start somewhere. 2022 00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:56,677 Let's just hope it was 2023 00:59:56,678 --> 00:59:58,345 for a good cause. 2024 00:59:58,470 --> 00:59:59,989 - Have a great night, - Dante's, Portland. 2025 01:00:00,013 --> 01:00:02,140 It was nice to be back. 2026 01:00:02,266 --> 01:00:03,872 I'll see you soon. 2027 01:00:03,873 --> 01:00:05,477 Have a good night. 2028 01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:13,673 - So do you mind just coming 2029 01:00:13,674 --> 01:00:15,320 back downstairs? Yeah. 2030 01:00:15,446 --> 01:00:16,738 - I just told them I would. 2031 01:00:16,863 --> 01:00:17,948 - Great. Sorry. 2032 01:00:18,073 --> 01:00:19,866 We have another camera. 2033 01:00:19,991 --> 01:00:20,992 - No, that's it. 2034 01:00:20,993 --> 01:00:21,993 We said one camera. 2035 01:00:22,119 --> 01:00:23,787 - You want them - to come back up too? 2036 01:00:23,912 --> 01:00:24,931 - Do you want them - to follow you? 2037 01:00:24,955 --> 01:00:26,498 - What? - Do you want... 2038 01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:27,934 - You just asked me to come back - down the stairs. 2039 01:00:27,958 --> 01:00:29,518 - Yeah, do you want them - to follow you 2040 01:00:29,585 --> 01:00:31,271 - Or do you want to just... - They'll just catch you. 2041 01:00:31,295 --> 01:00:32,170 - No, no. That's fine. - I was just confused. 2042 01:00:32,296 --> 01:00:34,214 - Yeah. 2043 01:00:36,300 --> 01:00:39,094 - Take two, 2044 01:00:39,095 --> 01:00:41,888 I'm coming down the stairs. 2045 01:00:42,013 --> 01:00:43,681 All right. 2046 01:00:43,807 --> 01:00:45,955 Hi. That was a show 2047 01:00:45,956 --> 01:00:48,103 brought to you by me.